Little Johnny was in his class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up, fireman, policeman, salesman, and so on.

Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet, and so the teacher asked him about his father. “My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if an offer is really good, he’ll go out to the alley with some guy and have sex with him for money.”

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some coloring, and took little Johnny aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?”

“No,” said Johnny, “he’s actually a lawyer, but I was too embarrassed to say so in front of the other kids!”

These two guys walk into a bar, and they’ve each got a black eye. The bartender asks the first guy. “What happened to you?”

The guy responds “I had a slight mishap of words with my wife. You see, we were getting plane tickets, and the lady behind the terminal was REALLY good looking. When I accidentally said ‘Two pickets to tits-burg’ instead of ‘Two tickets to Pittsburgh,’ the wife hit me.”

The bartender looks at the second guy and asks. “And you?”

The guy responds “I had a slight mishap of words also. This morning, while I was eating breakfast, I meant to say ‘Please pass the margarine,’ but instead I accidentally said ‘You stupid bitch, you ruined my life’…”

Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Some guys were hangin’ out, shootin’ the breeze, and the conversation turned to their kids.

One guy says, “I’ve got five sons. All over six feet tall. Damn good basketball team.”

Another guy says, “Right on. I’ve got nine sons and every one of them can field and hit. Great baseball team.”

Third guy chimes in with, “Way to go. I’ve got eleven sons. Strong as oxes, every one of ‘em. Helluva football team.”

Then they look at the fourth guy in the group. First guy asks, “Well, how about your kids?”

The fourth guy replies a little sheepishly, “I have eighteen daughters. Enough for a golf course.”

An escaped convict breaks into a house and ties up the couple in the bedroom.  As soon as he has a chance, the husband turns to his wife in the skimpy nightgown and says “Honey this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just do whatever he wants. If he wants to have sex, you just go along with it and pretend you like it.  Our lives depend on it.”

The wife whispers back, “Dear, I’m so relieved you feel that way, because that guy just whispered to me that you have a nice butt.”

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

“Why don’t you put your money where you mouth is?” he said. “I’ll bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won’t be able to wheel back.”

“You’re on, old man,” the young man replied. “Let’s see what you’ve got.”

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, “All right. Get in.”

The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 AM, a bit the worse for wear, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed . . . 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos=midnight!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him “Midnight”. He didn’t seem cross at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.”

When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, ‘Oh shit,’ cuckooed four more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.”