When squatting on the Oval Office couch as if it were a piece of ratty furniture in a brothel, be sure to do so in a manner most becoming of a lady.
The shit in this house is old and expensive, so please, be careful!! For example, when sliding a genuine silver candlestick holder into your purse, be sure not to leave any scratches or scuffs on the table upon which it had been placed.
If you are able, do your best to avoid the embarrassment of using the bathroom in the home of your host. Particularly if it’s the White House, because you just know that pervert is watching you somehow.
Many of the items in the White House are historical relics, and must be treated with respect! Having said that, I feel secure in saying that no one could blame you for taking a video of yourself queefing onto a hair brush that once belonged to Mary Todd Lincoln. Your Instagram followers demand content!
If you glance at the portrait of John Quincy Adams, and suddenly realize that he looks almost exactly like your alcoholic sick shit of an uncle Gil, don’t flip out and start clawing at and slashing at said portrait with the candlestick holder in your purse.
It’s perfectly fine to select a few snacks from the White House vending machines, but if you make the mistake of grabbing the last few bags of barbecued jalapeno cheez taters, Mike Pence will flip the fuck out.
Do your absolute best to keep the White House furniture as clean and tidy as you found it, but honestly…. c’mon. Wasn’t Reagan incontinent during most of his tenure here? What the fuck am I going to do that’s worse that that?
If during your time at the White House you’re invited to dinner, the most polite thing to do is to of course accept. If you’re not invited for dinner, just go ahead and sneak a couple of steaks out of the freezer. Go on, no one’s looking. It’s cool.
It’s actually okay to walk around the White House without any shoes on! I mean, I guess that it is. No one has said anything yet, at least.
When walking past crowds of “fake news” reporters on your way to and from the White House, please don’t flip off the cameras. I had to be told this one repeatedly, so don’t feel bad if you don’t get it the first time.