Leaked Drafts of Donald Trump’s Remarks About Some Upcoming Holidays

Susan B. Anthony Day

Today we honor Susan Anthony. Lots to say about her. Put her face on the dollar coin. Nobody liked it. Total failure. But she did a lot of things about voting. A lot of people voted for me. Women and other people. But you got the fake news saying they didn’t. And that’s a disgrace. They don’t look into illegal voters, but they lie about me. It’s terrible. Not Fox. Hi, Fox.

Harriet Tubman Day

The Underground Railroad was a part of history. Lots of people used it. Got where they were going. And I applaud that. People tell me Harriet Tubman was a woman. But I don’t know. Come on, look at her. Kind of heavy. Can’t even smile. Not interested. She was African American. A lot of people said I wouldn’t do well with the African Americans. Not true. Right, Omarosa? You know. Tell them, Omarosa. Lots of African Americans support me, want me to fix their inner cities.

Cesar Chavez Day

Here’s a guy, Cesar Chavez. Says he was born here. But I don’t know. Doesn’t add up. People have told me things. But I love the Mexican people, fantastic people. They’re super excited to pay for the wall for us. Want the wall, know I’m gonna put the cartels out of business. Massive crowds of Hispanics supported me in the election. Sent me tacos, mostly beef, kind of spicy, hurt my tummy. But I like the support.

America Recycles Day

Today is about recycling, taking a used thing and not throwing it in the trash. Doing something else with it. Turning it into a bag, maybe a can. I like things that aren’t used, OK? The environment is doing great, best environment we ever had. Scott knows this. We have lots of water, lots of air. The best air. Don’t you have air? You’re welcome. Bunch of whiners.

Take Your Daughters and Sons To Work Day

Fantastic holiday. Good for America, great for business. Brought my kids to the White House. Not Barron. He lives in New York with Melania. Showed him a picture of me at the White House. Signed it. Told him to show it to Tiffany. Donald and Eric and Ivanka are at the White House all the time. But they don’t work here. Just come to tell me I’m doing a good job. That’s what they hear from people. Real Americans. Jared has heard it, too.

National Eat Ice Cream For Breakfast Day

I’m very proud that I had ice cream for breakfast today. Huge scoop. Vanilla. Had lots of bites, cut it with a fork and knife. It was very cold, but that’s not a problem for me. No brain freeze, didn’t hurt my teeth. Right, Ivanka? Ivanka knows. She was there. Didn’t eat any ice cream, has to keep her hot figure. Need to keep things tight. But she saw me eat the ice cream. Swallowed it. Good ice cream.

National Pet Dental Care Day

Well, it’s Pet Dental Care Day. Teeth are tremendously important to pets. To all of us, really, right? I know Rin Tin Tin. Met him on my campaign. Great dog, very brave. Incredible teeth. Just like mine. But not as good. You understand, nobody’s got better teeth than me.


Written by Marcia Simmons

Marcia Simmons

Marcia Simmons is a freelance writer and the co-author of “DIY Cocktails.” She writes about food, drink, and mentally unstable despots. You can follow her on Twitter @marciaisms