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Letters That Dear Abby Stopped Reading After One Sentence

Dear Abby,
As a longtime fan of your column, as well as someone who enjoys the smell of their own flatulence…


Dear Abby,
I am a skin-tag on Tommy Lee Jones’ left thigh that recently gained sentience, and was wondering about the correct etiquette for inviting casual acquaintances to a summer garden party…


Dear Abby,
Being a member of an enlightened, learned group of well-educated people who strongly believe that bestiality should be legalized…


Dear Abby,
Please find enclosed the disemboweled corpse of an owl and a map to the lost city of Atlantis…


Dear Abby,
This might seem like a letter more suited for the pages of Moist Amputee Monthly, but I just felt like I had to share it with you as well…


Dear Abby,
As the owner of a ping-pong ball wholesaler whose place of business happens to be down the street from several popular gentlemen’s clubs, I seem to have no shortage of ethical dilemmas…


Dear Abby,
In order to truly understand the extent of my problem, you will probably first need to read the first two novels in the Twilight series of books…

Written by Kit Lively

Kit Lively

Ain’t It Cool News said of Kit, “If Gary Larson is Bill Cosby, then Kit is Richard Pryor.” That’s a great quote, right? Man, I love that quote! That was, until Bill Cosby turned out to be a deplorable serial rapist. Now the quote isn’t worth shit, even though my name isn’t linked directly to Cosby’s! Thanks a lot Bill, you jackass. Not only have you ruined dozens of lives with your rapey ways, but you’ve ruined a perfectly good quote as well. I hope you rot in Hell, you scumbag.
Anyway, Kit’s cartoons have been published by lots of humor magazines, etc. etc. yadda yadda. (sigh)….

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