Mariah Carey’s Excuses For Her Horrible NYE Performance

Distracted by the horribly intense yeast infection brought on immediately by her insanely tight and inappropriate costume.

She wasn’t told that she would actually have to sing.

Forgot that her deal with Satan ran out exactly at midnight, December 31, 2016.

Just naturally assumed that everyone would be starting at her boobs, and wouldn’t even notice the performance.

Not able to stop thinking about that gypsy woman that she, Prince, David Bowie and George Michael ran off the road back in the 90’s.

The wedgie to end all wedgies.

Mistakenly thought that this was yet another of her performances for the leaders of ISIS, and wanted to show her patriotism by messing up on purpose.

In honor of Dick Clark, wanted to make sure that there were plenty of “bloopers”.

Figured that everyone would be too wasted to care (she was right).

There was a huge glowing ball slowly falling from the sky, and she was pretty sure that the zombie apocalypse had begun.

The smell from the ports-potties upset her delicate artistic sensibilities.

Written by Kit Lively

Kit Lively

Ain’t It Cool News said of Kit, “If Gary Larson is Bill Cosby, then Kit is Richard Pryor.” That’s a great quote, right? Man, I love that quote! That was, until Bill Cosby turned out to be a deplorable serial rapist. Now the quote isn’t worth shit, even though my name isn’t linked directly to Cosby’s! Thanks a lot Bill, you jackass. Not only have you ruined dozens of lives with your rapey ways, but you’ve ruined a perfectly good quote as well. I hope you rot in Hell, you scumbag.
Anyway, Kit’s cartoons have been published by lots of humor magazines, etc. etc. yadda yadda. (sigh)….