The most beloved First Lady since Abigail Fillmore finally shares her philosophy with the world! Filled with valuable lessons learned through well spent monies, Mrs. Bush speaks eloquently on love, religion, necessary losses, collateral damage, respect for station and the value of family values.

On the Devastating Losses from Hurricane Katrina What I'm hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas... so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them. God works in mysterious ways but it's a sure bet he hates the poor. Did I say God? I meant Dick Cheney. They want government food rations? Let them eat snot. God knows their kids noses are always running anyway.

On Her Husband's Humilating Defeat to Bill Clinton
I call him "One Term" George. Was I surprised that he failed to win a second term? No. My husband has never finished a job properly. He pulled out too early in Iraq and he pulled out too early every Saturday night for 25 years.

On Growing Old Gracefully
Who you calling old, shithead! Where the fuck are my meds!

Former First Lady Barbara Bush on her way to Stop and Shop to pick up a few things.

On God and the Religious Right
Reverend Jerry Falwell has a nice ass and he's hung like Gallahad, one of my favorite Tennessee Walking Horses.

On Family and Unconditional Love
My favorite son's daughters are so clean and white but those other grandchildren have those pleasant , beaner smiles. I love them all the same just like Jesus would. I am now of course speaking of Our Lord Jesus Christ, not one of my brown grandsons whose name may or may not be Jesus.

On Pulling Oneself Up by One's Bootstraps
Just imagine we get a storm up in Maine and our compound in Kennebunkport was flooded. Do you think you would see me on CNN sleeping on a piece of cardboard on a dirty sidewalk? Or wading through feces carrying an Ikea Lamp and three bastard children? We'd just get into Airforce One and fly back to our mansion in Houston or maybe our lovely home on Jupiter Island in Florida. No fuss. No handouts. No drama. It's just rain for Christ's sake.

On Compassion and Loving-Kindness
Compassion is the wish that others be free of suffering. We must develop our empathy, our closeness to others and also recognize the gravity of their misery. Jesus! Who wrote this crap? I want them fired now!!! And watch them pack up their things. I don't want to find that a stapler is missing or it will be your neck!!!

We never stand so tall as when we stoop to hit an unruly child. That's better. Write that down and bring me another bourbon and soda!