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Like
many ambassadors from troubled Third World countries,
you've no doubt been failed by the United Nations,
burdened with national debt in a merciless globalized
economy, and struggle to feed your starving, disenfranchized
people on just pennies a day.
Bono's
Third World Products, Inc. was started
in early 2005, after Bono had visited struggling Third
World nations. The poverty, famine and disease Bono
saw made Bono weep. Bono vowed to be better
than the UN — to offer affordable solutions
to the impoverished with competitive shipping and
handling fees.
That's
why, in times of strife, when the developed nations
of the world turn a blind eye to your hardships, let
one word ring clarion like a bullet in the blue sky:
BONO.
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BONO ®
BRAND
EMERGENCY FAMINE RELIEF KIT
Each
kit comes with:
- One
(1) Irish potato
- One
(1) container dehydrated butter
- One
(1) package, iodized salt
BONO
SAYS: "May
own mum naivair cook'd thays good! May' nah
mistayke — tha's one raight fahkin' bahnny
Oirish pahtaytah!"
United
Nations price:
$2000.00 per 5000 kits
Your
price:
$599.99 per 5000 kits! |
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'FRIENDS OF BONO'
® SIGNATURE SERIES FAMINE
RELIEF KITS
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CHRIS
MARTIN ®
SIGNATURE SERIES
- One
(1) letter of apology signed by Chris Martin,
apologizing for the world's problems
- One
(1) item from Chris Martin's kitchen (can
of string beans, package of lasagna noodles,
paprika, etc.)
- One
(1) tub Coldplay-brand vanilla ice cream (may
melt during delivery)
- Six
(6) aromatherapy candles
- One
(1) gift basket of scented bath oils and soaps
- One
(1) copy, "What Color is Your Parachute?"
Your
price: $699.99 per 5000 kits!
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STING
® SIGNATURE
SERIES
- One
(1) lightly tossed salad with baby greens,
sunflower nut hummus, blackened tempeh croutons,
wild lemon-infused avocado and Himalayan crystal
salt, all lovingly dappled with mountain-grown
apple cider vinegar
- Three
(3) garlic flax crackers baked in heat of
unflinching Indonesian sun
- One
(1) kalama fig from India, brought to market
on the back of 85-year-old burro
- One
(1) container, wild crafted honey (taken
from free range bees not bred in captivity)
- One
(1) signed copy, "A Pilgrim's Synchronicity:
Sting's Most Cherished Sexual Recipes"
Your
price: $29,199.99 per 100 kits!
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THOM
YORKE ® SIGNATURE SERIES
- One
(1) copy, "The Waste Land" by T.S.
Elliot
- One
(1) lemon to suck on
- One
(1) autographed 8x10 glossy of Thom Yorke
Your
price: $999.99 per 4000 kits!
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Limited
Time Offer!
50 GALLON DRUMS
OF
EXPIRED AMERICAN FOOD
Yer
bloody right. Me an' the Edge have a warehouse
fulla the stuff, an' it all MUST GO! Take yer
pick of the whole lot. We got 500,000 gallons
of rancid ham, past-prime tuna and other expired
food products just sitting
here rotting, when they could be helping feed
underdeveloped nations. You owe it to yourself
— you owe it to me and The Edge —
to take advantage of these savings.
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Non-expired price: $199.99 per 50 gallon drum
Your price: $19.99! You Save 90%
FREE Super Saver
Shipping on orders over $2M!
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BONO
® BRAND
EMERGENCY BLANKETS
Nothing
swaddles a starving, AIDS-afflicted African
child or shivering Serbian leper like the gentle
caress of 100% high quality Guatemalan burlap.
Sturdy, durable, yet surprisingly soft, it's
as if Bono himself were cradling you in his
arms, wiping away your tears and crooning something
softly in your ears, as like the sound of angels.
Dry
clean only.
$399.99 per 10,000 kits!
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BONO
® BRAND DELUXE
REFUGEE CLOTHING LINE
From that shirt of his that looked like his
muscles were on the outside to his signature
wraparound sunglasses that even the Pope begged
to try on, Bono has long been a trendsetter
in the fashion world. His Refugee Clothing
Line brings his couture savvy
to even the most devastated of Third World nations.
This sassy Guatemalan number transforms easily
from casual day look to sexy evening wear. Just
because you've lost everything, doesn't mean
you need to lose your style.
Your
price:
$599.99 per 5000 kits!
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BONO
® BRAND DELUXE
6pc. LUGGAGE SET
When
you need to evacuate your village quickly, but
"all that you can't leave behind"
is dragging you down...Why not flee in style
with these deluxe carryalls?
Your
price:
$2,999.99 per 70,000 sets!
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BONO ®
BRAND
EMERGENCY
DISASTER RELIEF KIT
Each
kit comes with:
- One
(1) Irish potato
- One
(1) container dehydrated butter
- One
(1) package, iodized salt
Your price: $799.99 per 5000 kits!
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Tired
of debt collectors calling? Scrambling to make
ends meet at the end of your fiscal year? Uncertain
how you'll EVER get out of
your deficit hole?
Worry
no more! Bono's Third World
Debt Management Program gets you
back on track, with easy installment plans (as
little as 6% of your Gross National Product
per month!)
What's
the catch? There isn't one! The worse and more
hopeless your country is, the more Bono will
help you! Why? Catholic guilt!
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Your
price:
$599,999.99
per 60,000 units!
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BONO
® BRAND
MEDICINE FOR THE SOUL
"Bono
desires only to solve the world's problems.
Through the power of song."
-Bono
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In
their latest album, Bono leads U2 to soaring
heights of musical achievement with How
to dismantle an Atomic Bomb. Says Bono
of the album: "There's an atomic bomb inside
all of us. Perhaps it's a bomb
of poverty, or a nuclear reactor of intolerance.
Perhaps it's a warhead of cancer, or unattractiveness.
No matter what your atomic bomb is, Bono vows
to destroy it with his mind."
Won't
you let Bono heal your country through the majesty
of his soaring, reverb-enhanced vocals?
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BONO ®
BRAND
ADHESIVE BANDAGES
They
said it couldn't be done! These revolutionary
new bandages break medical boundaries in sterility
and effectiveness. Every
Bono
® Brand Adhesive Bandage
has been personally touched by Bono himself,
and is therefore suitable for ease from:
-
Arthritis
- Influenza
- Syphillis
- Leprosy
- Possessions
Your
price: $799.99 per 5000 kits!
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THE
EDGE ™
PATENTED
REGENERATIVE CURE-ALL
Good
for what ails you! Whether you suffer from hemophilia,
the ague or AIDS, The Edge is confident that
his 100% homemade remedy has
the solution! This miracle tonic contains fish
oil, lime and zinc, as well as undiluted Bono
sweat, known in scientific circles for its curative
properties.
Your
price: $89.99 per bottle!
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BONO ®
BRAND
REPLICA CROSS
Just
like the one Bono himself climbs up onto every
day to atone for the world's sins!
With every order of five crosses or more, get
free Genuine Bono Stigmata:
For the OTHER saints who walk among
us.
Your price: $259.99 per cross!
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- Bono's
Giant Novelty Checks —
A celebrity visits your impoverished nation
and wants to make a donation. Only problem:
you've got nothing for them to show their
generosity. With a healthy supply of these
photogenically oversized checks,
you can make sure that YOUR
debt relief doesn't end up going to Senegal!
BUY
NOW
- Media
Masters Course (6 enhanced CDs) —
Learn from the best about how to get global
attention for your tiny, non-oil producing
country. Includes sample press releases and
Wolf Blitzer's home phone number. BUY
NOW
-
Bono's Third
World iPod — Now you
can enjoy one of the most popular items of
the western world, even without access to
computers, mp3s, or even electricity! Take
the music of U2 with you everywhere you go.
Trade U2 songs for food like
prisoners exchange cigarettes for anal sex!
BUY
NOW
- Bono's
"The Sweetest Thing Insta-Sundae"
— You're 12 years old
and you've just been macheted by a warring
Zulu tribe. As you watch your life ebb slowly
bleed into the arid ground, wouldn't you like
to bid farewell to your too-short existence
with a good taste in your mouth? Bono's
Insta-Sundae is completely portable
and mixes with water for a delicious taste
sensation. Contents: One Potato. BUY
NOW
- Bono
E-Z Fold Stage —
When rock stars come calling, you better be
ready. This convenient three-tier stage sets
up in easy-to-assemble sections, perfect for
those impromptu benefit concerts. People
who purchased this item also purchased: Bono
'n' Friends Virtual Benefit Concert:
Includes the complete CD libraries of U2,
Bob Geldof, Coldplay, Quincy Jones and others!
Buy now and recieve a free cardboard cutout
of your favorite star! (Cutouts are picked
from a random assortment. May contain Cyndi
Lauper.) BUY
NOW
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Written
by Jay Pinkerton, Karla Pacheco and Scott Mulder
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