Where would we be without bouncers?! From Studio 54 to the modern day dance club, without bouncers our bars and clubs would be a haven for people who don’t have IDs and enjoy fighting.

Eager to find out more about the wonderful world of professional bouncing, I became a bouncer for one evening at a popular San Francisco club (name withheld in order to avoid getting my friend fired).

My purpose for becoming a bouncer: To keep the club a safe and orderly place! Going by the bouncer pseudonym “Ace”, I made sure I was prepared with essential supplies.

No article on bouncing technique would be complete without the consultation of Patrick Swayze, star of the seminal bouncing masterpiece Road House and the Patron Saint of Bouncers. Any bouncer in a tough situation would do well to ask WWJDD? ("What Would Jack Dalton Do?") If your answer isn't "Chase your bouncing dreams and overcome your bouncing demons in a rowdy Southern bar called the Double Deuce," you aren't doing what Jack Dalton would do.

Checking I.Ds is the backbone of bouncing, and requires proper technique to perfect. Amateur bouncers might argue, "It just involves reading some numbers off a plastic card! It could be done by anyone with an IQ over 78 or a well-trained chimpanzee." This is 100% accurate. That’s why it's necessary to make a huge production out of the whole affair.

Do like I did. When you see club patrons approaching, yell at them in a commanding, vaguely on-the-verge-of-losing-it voice, “HAVE YOUR ID OUT OR YOU'RE NOT GETTING IN!” If possible, give the patrons demeaning nicknames while doing so, like "Shorto" or "Cabbage-Ass".

Also important: Always request that the patrons make an orderly line against the wall. There's no reason for this, but it will give you time to make up better nicknames.

With this done, pull out your flashlight (see list of bouncer supplies above) and shine it on the ID. Be sure to hold the flashlight over your head, shining the light downwards. This gives the appearance that you’ve been trained in special flashlight use not available to the general public.

Now comes the fun part. No matter how old a patron looks, do the following:

1. Look at their ID.

2. Then look at their face.

3. Then look at their ID.

4. Then look at their face.

5. Once more look at their ID.

6. Then look at their face.

7. Again look at their face.

8. Again look at their ID.

This interaction should be executed while moving your head in sharp, dramatic motions in the directions of both the ID and the face. The key here is to intimidate the patron and/or the patron's ID. Are they old enough? Are they pulling a fast one? Their scam might play down at the Viper Room, but not with you, damn it!

Also: Be sure to randomly ask someone to repeat their home address. Have them do it a second time, but request they do it much louder. When they do, wait a few minutes, then say “Okay.”

Or: Take someone’s ID and act like you're talking on your unplugged headset to someone (as if you need to check something out). After a few minutes give the ID back and say “Okay.”

The velvet rope and orange pylon cone at the front of a club entrance are all-important. The purpose of the velvet rope is to make patrons feel like it’s a special privilege when they're finally allowed to walk into the club. It also makes people feel extremely excluded when denied club entrance (and making people feel really excluded is one of the duties of the club bouncer).

Here’s how it worked for me. Two patrons approach the club. They saw my strategically placed velvet rope and thus stopped, second-guessing themselves. I used this opportunity to yell “Have your ID out or you're not getting in! Don’t toy with me, I’m JUST-NOT-IN-THE-MOOD!”

Once IDs were checked (see above), you might want to do what I did, saying to the party:

“You have to go through the rope.”
“Really?! Okay.”
Then throw in (and stress) “You have to go through the rope and around the cone!”
“Why?”
“City zoning regulations!”
If the party refuses, throw in, “DON’T’ TOY WITH ME, I’M JUST NOT IN THE MOOD!”

Another good use of the velvet rope is to deny groups of men entrance into the club. Here’s the twist: The minute a group women request club entrance, immediately let them go right in, holding open the velvet rope and smoothing “Right this way, Ladies!” If the group of men questions your preferential treatment, simply scream: “DON’T TOY WITH ME, I’M JUST NOT IN THE MOOD!”

Above all, the key to good bouncing is loads of ATTITUDE! As a bouncer, remember that the club you're protecting is endowing you with a sacred trust: Making anyone who wants to get in feel slightly humiliated, and teaching them that they must work a little for the fun which lies ahead.

Advanced Attitude Techniques

Folding your arms and chewing gum: A great way to exhibit ATTITUDE!

Kicking the air: Whenever there’s a lull in patrons attempting to infiltrate your club, you might want to demonstrate a few improvised kickboxing maneuvers. Let them know you're not afraid to kick at a patch of air while maybe pretending it's them.

Look smart: Pull out a work of literature (perhaps Milan Kindera) to illustrate that, like Patrick Swayze, you are sensitive and complex. This also helps in chatting up the ladies: “Right this way, Ladies!”

The clipboard: Proper clipboard use makes club-goers realize they live in a “ To have and have not” world. Occasionally ask random people if they’re on “the list”. In my case, unknowing to potential club patrons, I had a page of sheet music on my clipboard (but they don’t have to know that).

Restating once again, remember the key important things to say as a bouncer (NOTE: If possible, do the following while shouting):

“Have your ID out or you’re not getting in the club!”

“Don’t toy with me, I’m just not in the mood!”

“I’m sorry I can’t let you into the club!”

“Ladies, right this way!”

“Make a line against the wall!”

Or, if it’s last call, yell the funny “Last call drink `em up.
You don’t have to go home, but YOU CAN’T STAY HERE!”

If you are an aspiring bouncer, following these steps will help you live your golden age of bouncing, which you will long remember in the future when working as a security guard at Wal-Mart. Best of luck, and remember: WWJDD?