See What You're Missing!

Sign up NOW
Receive the latest
updates from National Lampoon!

IN U.S. DISTRICT COURT,
DISTRICT OF NEW YORK

GERALDO M. RIVERA, alias GERALDO, investigative reporter and winner of more than 170 JOURNALISM AWARDS, including THREE NATIONAL and SEVEN local EMMYS, whose hour-long report "THE ELVIS COVER-UP" was for more than two decades 20/20's HIGHEST-RATED SHOW.

Plaintiff.

-v-

ALESSANDRA STANLEY, a laborer employed by co-defendant THE NEW YORK TIMES, a newspaper, and its parent entity THE LIBERAL MEDIA, which includes but is not limited to UNION OF REGISTERED DEMOCRAT PACK JOURNALISTS, MARXIST FACULTY ADVISORS TO COLLEGE NEWSPAPERS, PLAINTIFF'S JEALOUS FORMER CO-WORKERS, ALL THE GIRLS PLAINTIFF HAS EVER LOVED, THE CORPORATION FOR PUBLIC BROADCASTING, and VIEWERS LIKE YOU.

Defendants.

I. UNDISPUTED FACTS

1.) From 1972 to the present, Plaintiff (hereafter referred to as GERALDO) has earned acclaim as a television journalist with an UNQUENCHABLE PASSION for exposing the TRUTH, regardless of the danger to his HEALTH and IMMACULATELY GROOMED FACIAL HAIR.

2.) Since April 21, 1986, when GERALDO exposed the absence of treasure or cadavers in Al Capone's secret underground vault, agents of the TIMES, et al, have cruelly and ceaselessly carped about GERALDO's hard-won success.

3.) On or about Sept. 4, 2005, GERALDO visited hurricane-stricken New Orleans for the purpose of reporting carnage, degradation, cannibalism and the hope of regular people in the face of despair (hereafter referred to as VIEWERS.)

4.) On or about Sept. 4, GERALDO visited New Orleans' Holy Angels Resident Hall for Retired Nuns for the purpose of providing cable television exposure to dead and/or dying retired nuns.

EXHIBIT A

PLAINTIFF alleges a LONGSTANDING HISTORY of past defamation and abuse by DEFENDANT. Above, a photograph published by the New York Times in November 1993, accompanied by the article "Geraldo Dropkicks Disabled Pakistani Girl in Face." In reality, PLAINTIFF was protecting girl from invading GUERILLA HORDES by dropkicking her to safety. Not Shown in photo: Plaintiff's UNQUENCHABLE PASSION for the TRUTH.

I. UNDISPUTED FACTS (cont'd)

5.) On said occasion, GERALDO risked potentially serious back injury to help lift a wheelchair-bound VIEWER to safety.

6.) Coincidentally, GERALDO happened to perform said humanitarian deed in the presence of a working Fox News camera crew.

7.) On or about Sept. 5, ALESSANDRA STANLEY, an employee of the TIMES, wrongfully and spitefully accused GERALDO of having "nudged a rescue worker out of the way" so that he could be videotaped in the act of saving a disabled VIEWER and/or POTENTIALLY CANCER-RIDDEN NUN.

8.) GERALDO categorically and vehemently denies all accusations by ALESSANDRA STANLEY, a known liberal.

9.) Repeated screenings of the Fox News videotape have revealed that GERALDO carefully remained within an open pedestrian lane while advancing upon the disabled VIEWER.

(cont'd)

At no time did GERALDO nudge, shove or physically dislodge a rescue worker from his or her stationary position.

10.) Subsequent scientific analysis of said videotape led an impartial third party, Peabody Award-Winning Fox News journalist Bill O'Reilly, to conclude that the TIMES is "a pamphlet for the secular left."

II. CONCLUSION

1, The wrongful "nudge" accusation has damaged the image of GERALDO as a respected journalist who PAINSTAKINGLY AVOIDS making himself the focus of news stories.

2. The false claim has forced GERALDO, at great personal expense, to appear on television shows and give print interviews to express his HURT and INDIGNATION.

3. The unwarranted media exposure has brought unhealthy levels of emotional distress to GERALDO, a private man, and caused him to believe that, even if Jesus Christ returned to earth and gave GERALDO an interview, the TIMES "would say I was either too soft on him, or too hard on him, too chummy with him."

III. DEMAND

GERALDO seeks immediate injunction requiring ALESSANDRA STANLEY and agents of TIMES, et al, to appear for no fee on GERALDO'S live television broadcast to affirm under oath that GERALDO is a serious, committed investigative journalist who would never, ever stage a news event.