Hey there, folks! Mr. T here, pityin' the fools what don’t read none! My agent done told me, "T, the biggest thing now is celebrities like Oprah tellin' people what books they need to read, or what clothes they need to wear!"

I cannot even begin to express my pity at these fools. Who looks to a fat silly woman for guidance when Mr. T is freely available? What is wrong with people's heads? Here some books I done read for you. You try and catch up if you don’t want me to make a battering ram out of spare parts at your local junkyard and come busting in your fool living room!

Always believe in yourself and you can do anything!

Some old honky kills a lot of trees just to say "Don't be doin' what the government tells you to." This cracker lost me when he started talking 'bout living in the woods. Fool, I come from the hood! I don't want no simple life! I want to keep kids off drugs!

Moby Dick be about a big-ass whale, but the fool that wrote this goes on forever! Mr. T likes to sleep just as much as any growing child who prays to God to protect him and his momma from the bad influences of the ghetto. He don't got time to be sleeping because of some tired-ass book! Hermann Melville — You just made T's list, fool!

At first I thought this would be cool, a story set in a jungle like the one my character from The A-Team fought in. I was very interested in a book about this. But this ain't a book about no jungle! It's about some damn meat-packing plant. I got hungry for some ribs and chicken legs, but T needs to watch his weight! Quit with the jibba-jabba! Jungle-writin' fool — You made the list too, fool!

Some honky fool lives across a lake from his lady, then don't do jack about takin' her from her lazy husband. I would have driven over there in my van, sent Face out to distract the silly man, and taken Daisy back to my gym so she could watch me do five hundred sit-ups! Ladies love this! Then Murdock would build a cannon out of old auto parts and Hannibal would say that he loves it when a plan comes together. Gatsby don't do none of that! He just gets shot! Damn fool! List!

Mr. T says this is a "Farewell to Mr. T reading this waste of time after the first chapter."

Mr. T is just playin' with you. Mr. T did not really say this, but is pretending to you that this is the case for the purpose of a joke. You better laugh now or I'll hurt you real bad!

Willie Stark is my kind of man! Dude runs his state with an iron fist, don't take crap from nobody, and loves Jesus Christ. If I was him, I'd team up with New Edition to produce a video for kids aimed at keeping them off drugs. Then I’d slap some sense into those fools that traffic in my neighborhood! Mr. T runs a clean street!

I don't know where honky is running to, but he totally wouldn't be running if T had his back. I bet Rabbit would stick around and face down the drug dealers that harassed his momma on her way home from the grocery!

Holden Caulfield is weak! Dude just runs around New York, cussin' everybody! T don't play that, kids. And T don't fly.... You didn't say nothing about no plane, Hannibal!

I will not eat green eggs and ham, it stanks when it gets rotten like that! Don't need to be tellin' children they can eat out-of-date food! Eating bad food is like doing drugs: Only stupid kids with no raisin’ do that! Dr. Seuss is a crazy-ass whitey, like Murdock. Believe in Jesus, kids, not drugs!