Are you forced to make excessive amounts of love against your will? Do you find yourself involuntarily groping at bosoms? Are you sick and tired of being worked like a Kansas mule in the bedroom? We've all shared these problems. Many of us simply collapse, spent and aggravated, on piles of freshly-pounded supermodels.

Don't despair! There is a solution!

Some lucky people are genetically predisposed to having challenging — even radically unsettling — features. For the rest of us, be it a shovel to the face or dangerous hobbies involving leaps from great heights, ugly features take effort and a willingness to do irreversible structural harm to our bodies.

A quick trip to your neighborhood plastic surgeon might be all you need to looking violently loathsome. The budget-conscious among you may wish to purchase the largest portion of vodka from a nearby bulk store, seek out the steepest flight of steps in your area, and Let Nature take its course.

For those of you genetically gifted with an unsightly, vomit-inducing appearance: don’t get cocky! You still have to worry about the neck down. To ensure your sexual appeal is completely non-existent, be careful with your life choices. Yes, that job down at the construction site might pay well — but isn’t a sedentary desk job a more effective way to get that pale, doughy physique guaranteed to repel women? Remember: office settings combine the best of the worst in a man. There’s nothing more attractive than spiritual wholeness and toned muscles; avoid these at all costs. A simple cubicle and a chair to pour your daily-widening ass into will be your best friends.

Think you’re not at risk? Studies show even one brisk open-air walk on a lunch break can heighten your self-esteem and force you to lose the weight you’ll need to be repulsive. The next time you get the urge to take a stroll, ask yourself: “Where is my mouth, and what can I be putting into it right now?”

“What could possibly repel a woman more than a man with no functioning social skills?” you ask. The answer, of course, is fat people. And yet many first-timers assume that showing off poor social skills is their best bet for repulsing the opposite sex.

This is a common mistake. In reality, most women are so emotionally in shambles that acts of rudeness, attempts to discuss comic books, or loud, beefy farts are actually more likely to turn them on. Back when I used to go to bars (before the endless requests for sexual encounters drove me away), I once punched a girl in the jaw. Two weeks after the arraignment we were married.

You will find that the best policy for becoming a below-average Joe is simple avoidance. Latch yourself onto science fiction or sports instead. Let their immersive worlds, endless statistics and respectively tarty costumes be your shield.

“But how do I avoid making contact with an entire gender, especially one that comprises over 60% of the world’s population?” Good question. The answer lies in the three N’s (though to be fair, two of the three N’s are spelled without N’s): a Nocturnal lifestyle, God-like speed, and the Ability to use the shadows themselves as a medium for travel. If the three N’s prove too difficult to master, consider dressing as a Tolkien character. It achieves a similar effect and involves more quills.

if you do happen to come upon a female by mistake (though how you could mess up staying inside is beyond me), the visible shivering due to her presence and your startled reactions each time she speaks will more than ensure she won’t be bothering you again. If you’re still not sure how to be alone, here’s an example of how a conversation between you and a woman should go:

Now get out there and stay inside!

If a life of complete solitude or physical deformity isn’t your cup of tea, the route of financial paucity should compensate you nicely. There’s actually nothing to it but nothing, so it’s remarkably easy to memorize the steps with the three D’s. Don’t work. Don’t borrow. Above all, Don’t trade anything to anyone (books, CDs, beaver pelts, etc.) in case you mistakenly wind up with an item of slightly higher value. I once traded some valuable family heirlooms for a single comic book. Unfortunately, that comic book turned out to be Issue #1 of Superman. I don’t need to tell you who ended up on the profitable side of that transaction. (It was me.)

Nothing turns a girl on like success, so avoid it at all costs. Look for low-end jobs in administration and photocopier maintenance, and be sure to mention your lack of money during the rare times you do see women (see Tip #2). Always carry OXO cubes about your person if proof is required; I find pulling out two, then excusing myself to go to the bathroom to “mix up some supper” tends to work wonders for getting the right impression across.

There is no better way to become loathsome and repellent to the female gender than to be, in all manner and method, in all you say and do, utterly and completely wrong.

If you are still having trouble getting women to hate you: well, brother, you’re going about things all wrong— but not the right kind of wrong. The wrong wrong. Which is right and therefore wrong. Right? Wrong. Moving on.

The following are suggestions and examples of previous, successful wrongnesses on my part:

You’ve tried everything. Being ugly, being alone, being poor, and being wrong in every conceivable way… yet still women plague your life.

Like an overweight marathon runner or equiphobic jockey, the sad truth is that you are simply not cut out for the task you have chosen. You are just too damn appealing to the graceful gender. I can sympathize, as I myself am awesome. But let me assure you, you will never achieve the necessary state of loathsomeness to remain untroubled by women the rest of your days.

We have now arrived at your last chance for freedom, and as Sartre pointed out, the only real choice you ever get to make: Should you kill yourself or not?

The answer is an overwhelming yes. With that settled, the only question remains how. As you don’t want to give any women the chance to sneak into your bedroom and have sex with you before you get the chance to off yourself, I would advise doing it as quickly as possible.

Guns, knives, toasters and tubs, all of these things will do the job and do it pretty efficiently. Avoid drug overdosing, building jumps, and drownings. They all provide a small but statistically very real chance of being saved. A surprisingly resilient body or exceptionally favorable currents can be your worst enemy. You never know what might stop you from killing you.

And to ensure that women don’t try to engage in postmortem relations with your body, it’s best to set a series of booby traps near your corpse. Sharpened sticks at the bottom of a camouflaged pit, maybe a bucket of venomous snakes left teetering on top of a door —heck, mummies. And if any of those you-hungry ladies should get past those traps, they’re sure to get a mouthful of surprise when they realize too late you’ve covered your genitals with arsenic paste and Super-AIDS.

Well, that’s about all. I hope this guide has been as informative as it was informative. Good luck, and don’t give up becoming loathsomely repellent to women!