Stupid people always complain about how hard it is to discover something or invent something or remember what time to stop having sex with the oven. And smart people, I’m told, watch PBS and listen to NPR. (In my opinion, if they were so smart, they’d have the sense to like things cool enough to have more than three letters. Like pot.)

Now I’m not a smart man, but I’m not dumb either. I’m a fricking genius. It’s hard to explain in words, but here goes: You know how Einstein was so smart that he couldn’t figure out something as simpleminded as his grocery bill? Here's the thing: I’m so smart that I sometimes forget how to wear pants. (The State of California v. Matt Loker, Docket #40560-2)

Now that I’ve talked myself up, I couldn’t just let you go out and try to be as smart as me. You might get hurt, especially if you punch a bear in the face like I did. But in all fairness, it was to impress the Nobel Prize committee.

So read, learn, and prepare to be scienced!

So why does Einstein still get credit for being smart? Let’s see, he postulated light quanta. Sounds complicated, and therefore smart, right? Incorrect! If you make another scientist sound wrong, then you’re automatically right. I don’t know exactly how that works, but I think it’s kind of like a car.

Scientist: The photoelectric effect happens because light becomes “quantized” at a sub-atomic level by wavelengths— Me: The real explanation is… this! [Unveils picture of monkey in a diaper holding a sign that says “Learning”] Nobel Prize Committee Member: Wow, I didn’t think he could top the bear, but then he went and did it.

When debating, if you’re being things like rational and not an idiot, then you’re already starting the game two points down. Make them come into YOUR WORLD of logic, and then keep the moving the goalposts so it’s harder for them to hit a six-point home run. See? Gotcha already.

Guy: Hey, you cut me off in traffic! Me: Nice orange shirt. Guy: That supposed to be sarcastic? Me: No. It’s just an orange shirt, you tell me. I personally don’t buy into those stereotypes. Guy: What?

Make them come to you. That’s what they call home court advantage, my orange-shirted friend.

You know how some things are really stupid? No, not like kids with extra chromosomes. I’m talking about how some things are so stupid that once you’re exposed to them, you actually forget shit you used to know. That’s what I have termed “anti-knowledge.”

Listening to Republicans talk about the state of rap music will cause you to not remember where your car keys are.

Bill O’Reilly: Coming up next, I’m going to tell a black person just what’s wrong with him.

You: Wait a sec, I thought I put those… hmmm.

If you were to watch a Michael Bay movie for ten minutes then boom, there goes long division.

You: Let’s go see The Island!

[Two hours later]

You: Now how am I supposed to figure out my share of a dinner check?

You’re driving in your car, and you have one of those LCD flip down screens. You turn it on and watch WWE Monday Night Slam wrestling. You know what happens then? You forget how to drive, soil your pants, and crash into a laboratory filled with cancer researchers. Wrestling takes that much intelligence out of the world.

You: You guys want to watch wrestling on my new in-dash TV?
Your Friends: Sure!

[Moments Later]

You: Ahhhh!
Friend 1: What’s my name?!
Friend 2: I don’t know what shoes are!

So in conclusion, you too can one day be as smart as me. Just remember the three S’s: Safety, Science, and SYou’ll-Never-Be-as-Smart-as-Me.