It was just three months ago that a shamed, washed-up Mike Tyson said goodbye to professional boxing, after losing to professional punching bag Kevin McBride (excerpted below from ESPN):

With such a definitive statement from Tyson himself that he will never again enter a boxing ring, we at National Lampoon can of course only think of one thing: comeback.

As displayed in his last fight, though, it is neither entertaining nor funny anymore when Tyson fights an actual boxer. This presents a problem. To make a truly remarkable comeback, Tyson must think outside the box and hunt out more untraditional opponents. The following are a few options.

Two athletes whose outrageous public actions mired them in shame and led to a precipitous decline in their careers, beating the total stuffing out of each other for our amusement. Sweet.

Rocker fell apart professionally after his racist rant in Sports Illustrated, beginning a downward spiral that landed him in the minor leagues. Tyson served time in jail and bit off part of a man’s ear on Pay-Per-View. Pre-match hype, then, could feature press conferences where Rocker and Tyson could try and debate who is more hated, while the country could debate who is more ignorant. Tyson would tell Rocker that he plans on making him his next battered girlfriend, while the former Braves reliever could respond with an anti-homosexual tirade referencing Tyson’s time in jail.

Result: After entering the ring to a Lynyrd Skynyrd song, Rocker would be pummeled mercilessly by Tyson. The diverse crowd, who mostly came to jeer Rocker, would fuel Tyson’s innate rage. Tyson would have nothing but good things to say about Rocker post-match.

Kangaroos can be quite vicious, yet also look incredibly funny, with boxing gloves on, making for a sell-out bout. (The kangaroo would obviously also wear a shiny pair of white boxing boots for added entertainment.)

Tyson would be responsible for hyping the match, as kangaroos lack the ability to talk. Jack Hannah would handle the kangaroo’s training, and they would appear on Jay Leno, where the Kangaroo would beat Leno until he was actually funny.

Result: Guest referee Steve Irwin disqualifies the kangaroo when it ignores normal boxing protocol and attacks Tyson with a series of devastating jumping kicks. Tyson calls for a rematch, but the kangaroo refuses in favor of a lucrative career in ultimate fighting.

The belligerent and abusive actor boasts that the skills he earned while filming Cinderella Man enable him to dispatch a professional fighter. Not wanting to change horses midstream, Crowe hires Ron Howard to be in his corner for the match. Howard is reluctant, but accepts when Crowe breaks out a note-perfect Fonzie impression.

Result: Howard proves a wily corner man and gets Crowe riotously drunk on whiskey before the match. The Aussie actor is impervious to pain with the liquor flowing through his veins and outlasts Tyson to win the decision.

Tyson has been fighting his demons internally for years, so it seems like a no-brainer to take them into the ring and mangle up their faces a little.

Because they are only figments of his imagination, the demons are not available for prematch interviews. Tyson nonetheless insists his demons are a formidable opponent, and would cripple any man. Tyson credits a "secret weapon" he has up his sleeve to beat his opponents, which he later reveals to be assaulting women.

Result: After seemingly swinging at the air for five rounds, Tyson falls to his knees and begins crying. The referee consults with fight promoters and decides the demons win by KO. Tyson congratulates the demons on a well-fought match, and says he looks forward to working with them as he continues to be a public spectacle.

This will be billed as a battle of the washed up entertainers. Like boy bands, Tyson seemed unstoppable for about two years, but was derailed by sexual scandals and people who scammed him out of money.

Sick of being exploited for others’ gain, BSB and Tyson decide to promote the fight together. Tyson contributes with several macaroni and glue posters, later joining the group in a song and dance performance on the Best Damn Sports Show Period. Tom Arnold looks impressed (and, naturally, high).

Result: Defying the odds, Tyson defeats a five-man team. BSB shows an excellent ability to dance around the ring, but their decision not to learn how to punch comes back to bite them in the seventh round. Sales of their records soar posthumously.