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NOTES TO EINSTEIN (Everything is Relative)

What if Einstein’s theory of relativity got notes from TV execs, as if it was a sitcom script?

 

In what would look like a scientist’s office, there sits ALBERT EINSTEIN: advanced in age, slightly disheveled, with wild grey hair at work at his desk.

There are several blackboards with equations scribbled all over them, but one equation stands out, the iconic “E = mc 2“.
The door bursts open and in stride two TV executives.

AMANDA, age 30, is attractive and high-powered. Trailing behind her is SIMON, late-20’s, tall, thin and well-groomed.

AMANDA
Albert, so great to see you. And — really good excuse to get out of the office.

SIMON
Hi.

AMANDA
We have gone over all four of your theories. All of them are just amazing. But I think the one we’re going to go with is Special Relativity. I mean, it’s so much fun. Space bends, space/time are one thing, things aren’t what they seem to be, there’s a guy sitting on a beam of light. I mean, it’s so trippy and confusing, it’s like “Westworld!”

SIMON
I think it’s better than “Westworld.”

AMANDA
(pointing to “E = mc2” on the blackboard)
Oh, look, it’s right there! That reminds me, I have a memo from our graphics people. They’re a little nutty about things like that.
She rolls her eyes and fumbles around for it unsuccessfully before SIMON just hands her the memo.
AMANDA (CONT’D)
They think the E = mc2 is great, too. But they think we have to lose that little 2. So, that’s gonna have to go. And do you think instead of ‘special relativity’ we could call it ‘awesome relativity’?

SIMON
“E = mc” could be another Geico caveman. Sorry, that’s weird reference

AMANDA
Also, we’ve been going over the demos of our audience and the speed of light is just way too fast for them. So I think I’ll leave it up to you to slow it down enough to where you think it’ll be a bulls-eye for us — but much, much slower.

SIMON
Oh, and mention that part where any particle —

AMANDA shushes SIMON by just raising her hand a bit.

AMANDA
I was getting to that. You know that thing where you talk about nothing being able to move as fast as the speed of light? When you say something can’t do something — a little negative. Our network likes to do inspirational things. Oh, and here’s another little idea. You know how you explain it, how there’s a guy on a train, and there’s a guy who’s not on the train, and the guy who’s on the train is watching the guy who’s not on the train — and all of a sudden you find out time and space are one thing and that everything is “relative”.
(She uses her fingers to indicate the quotation marks.)
I love that!

SIMON
Me, too!

AMANDA
Well, we think the guy on the train should be Tim Daly from “Wings.”

SIMON
He’s still so cute.

AMANDA
I know everyone thought “Wings” was shit, but it was so successful! And Tim’s a sweetheart. And I think he’s working with a guy you know. Edward Teller? That guy with the real bushy eyebrows?

SIMON
He’s one of my Facebook friends!

AMANDA
You’re kidding.

SIMON
Yeah, in fact, he just commented on one of my pictures.

AMANDA
What’d he say?

SIMON
‘Hey, put a shirt on! Edward Teller, Father of the Hydrogen Bomb!’

AMANDA
Why didn’t you have a shirt on?

SIMON
Don’t ask.

AMANDA’s iPhone rings and she picks it up immediately.

AMANDA
What?? I don’t give a shit what Neils Bohr says. Tell him to read Fucking his contract, we own Quantum Mechanics! Tell his lawyer he can drink the poison piss out of my Toledo affiliate coffee cup! Tell that fuckhead to read his contract and then go fuck himself and his Mother.
(then, sing-song)
Goodbye.

JERRY, a good-looking, well-dressed 40-ish network president, walks in.

JERRY
Hi everybody. Hey, Albert, I was just having lunch with someone you know. Enrico Ferme, fun guy.

AMANDA
What’d you have?

JERRY
The special pasta.

AMANDA
Yum.

JERRY notices the formula on the board.

JERRY
Don’t tell me that little 2 is still there.

AMANDA
It’s coming out.

JERRY
Albert, you know what I was doing all this morning?

ALBERT EINSTEIN stares at him like he’s insane.

JERRY (CONT’D)
Talking to our digital group. You know what the most important letters on the internet are, other than .com for dot com’? I’ll show you.

JERRY walks over to the blackboard, erases the squared symbol from the relativity equation, writes another equals symbol after “mc” and then writes the letters “LOL”.

SIMON
Of course.

JERRY
Now that’s something you can put on a t-shirt. Think about it

SIMON
I’d buy one! #E=mc=LOL

AMANDA
(checking her iPhone)
Okay, Albert, we’ve got to get out of here.

JERRY
Hey, I know you’re the smartest person in the world but I don’t think it takes a rocket scientist to make these few little changes. Right Buddy.
The EXECUTIVES start to leave the room.

JERRY (CONT’D)
What do we have next?

AMANDA
We have Neils Bohr, unfortunately. He’s being a bit of an asshole.

JERRY
Fuck’em, let’s just go back to the office then. I hear Stephen Hawking’s formula is so bad you can’t take your eyes off it.


Written by Steve Kerper

Steve Kerper

Steve Kerper worked with National Lampoon legend Michael O’Donoghue on his last TV project and then went on to create Pirate TV for MTV and Hardcore for HBO, with such infamous sketches as “Raging Bullwinkle”, “SPAMBY” and “This Old Whorehouse”. Steve wrote the family movie AMAZE YOUR FRIENDS and has worked on dozens of ( kinda crappy) movies. He is one of only a handful of Americans who has both a Noble Prize in Physics and a Latin Grammy. Steve has indicated his willingness to reunite with his former boy band and accompany them on their upcoming world tour. Steve Kerper’s TED talk THINGS THAT ARE ALMOST BANANAS was considered incomprehensible by most, and yet there is talk about turning into either a mini-series or possibly a gluten free snack. Steve is active in an organization that tries to reduce cannibalism among young people.

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