Who has time to bake a cake? Little Debbie, that’s who.
Are you a marine? Call her. Better yet, Face Time her. Better better yet? Face Time her from behind and call it About Face Time. When she asks why, tell her to turn around. BOOM. Moms & marines love surprises, y’all.
Moms love soft things. So blindfold her, take her to JoAnn Fabrics, and tell her to stretch out her arms. #feeledtrip.
Store’s outta roses? Not on my watch! Pull a Robin Hood and rob from the flower rich to give to the flower poor. The middle school is showboating with those gardenias anyway.
Something old, something new, something fuzzy like a bear will do. And by like a bear, we mean Booh, the Pooh knockoff. Oh look, and he comes with a book: Hows At Booh’s Corner. CLOSE ENOUGH, BOOH.
Make her a homemade coupon book including: admit one mistake, one free “I love you more” beyond what is comfortable for either party, and one free book of construction paper, slightly used.
Too late to make her breakfast? Not for McDonald’s. All day, son. All DAY.
“A little birdie told me someone here likes decorative pillows…”
New mom? A copy of Zero Dark Thirty to stay up.
Old mom? A copy of Zero Dark Thirty to stay woke.
Mom to be? Under construction sign and several undercooked buns.
Mom to be very soon? It’s not delivery, it’s Digiorno. And that’s not a C-section, that’s a YOU DID THIS TO MEEEEEEEEEE
Every kiss begins with k, but also ends in s. So get her something from Claire’S.