Phone Messages Left on My Senator’s Voicemail

[BEEP!] Hey, there! It’s Andy. I was just calling to check in and ask that the Senator please publicly denounce the nomination of Rex Tillerson for Secretary of State. I can try calling back tomorrow, though, if now’s not a good time. I’m sure the Senator is very busy, what with all his important committees and the big vote this afternoon and everything. Yeah, I’ll just do that, then. I’ll try calling again tomorrow. Okay, thanks a lot, and please pass along my gratitude to the Senator for all that he does for our state. Sorry for bothering you. Bye. [CLICK]


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[BEEP!] Hi, it’s me again. The Senator is still out of his office, I take it. I tried sending him an email yesterday to ask that he ensure Trump’s cabinet appointees aren’t confirmed without thorough ethics investigations, but I guess he doesn’t check his inbox everyday or something because I just saw him on C-SPAN not half an hour ago getting cozy with that Betsy DeVos. I’m not being judgmental here. I understand the inner-workings of government are probably very complex and that compromise is an intrinsic part of the political system envisioned by the Founders. All I’m trying to say is that I received an email back from the Senator last night thanking me for my message. So, either he read my email, and he decided to ignore it, or he didn’t read it at all, which would be so despicable that it just makes me want to—you know what? I can’t even go there right now. Just, next time the Senator is in, will you tell him I called? Thanks. [CLICK]


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[BEEP!] Hi, it’s me calling. Again. Listen, I don’t know where the Senator gets off saying he’ll work to make healthcare affordable and strengthen the social safety net, when he clearly has no intention of doing anything of the sort. I was there at the rallies. All those promises the Senator made? Did they mean nothing? What happened to the man up on that stage? To be perfectly honest, I can’t say I’m surprised. Not at this point. I’ve lived too long, and I’ve been represented by too many elected federal officials. But if the Senator thinks for one second he can claim to speak for me, when he’s really only interested in going off and cavorting with that bitch from Pfizer, well, he has another thing coming to him. And the Senator can take that to the bank. Guaranteed. [CLICK]


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[BEEP!] Hey, I’m sorry to be calling so late. The Senator is probably asleep in bed or repealing the Affordable Care Act or something. I’m just phoning to say that I’m not angry anymore and I’ve moved on. I really have. In fact, I’ve found a new senatorial candidate. An Independent candidate. Someone who actually listens to what I have to say about minimum wage reform and doesn’t just nod along politely while, we both know, he’s really dreaming about ExxonMobil’s annual golf tournament in Barbados. In another lifetime, or another legislative term, perhaps the Senator and I could’ve really had something special, but that’s over now. “Ah, but I was so much older then. I’m younger than that now.” That’s Bob Dylan. He’s the Senator’s favorite musician/band, according to the profile on his congressional website. If you see the Senator, tell him that I wanted him to know that I—well, just tell him Andy called. [CLICK]

Written by Andy Newton

Andy Newton

Andy Newton is a writer living in Astoria, Queens. His work has been published by National Lampoon and McSweeney’s.