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A Pilot Welcomes Passengers To Trump’s America

*crackles over sound system*

Hi, uhhhhhh, welcome aboard this somewhat United Airlines flight. (See what I did there?) Our destination is headed for, if not already in, ruin–just an FYI if you’ve been living under a rock. This is your captain speaking–uhhhh, looks like we’re set for a smooth takeoff headed for a not so smooth welcoming into Trump’s America. My second pun in this announcement aside, I am legally required to now call it Trump’s America. Or, as he puts it, “Trump’s America. I mean, it’s really mine, and it’s good. No, it’s great. The best America you’ve ever seen.”

Uhhhhhh, flight attendants will be coming around with anything you need throughout the flight, and they’d like me to send my condolences to those of you in coach who for some reason have paid more for your tickets than those in first class. I’ll be coming back to you with announcements throughout the flight, flight attendants prepare for takeoff.

During our safety demonstration, we’ll be airing Snoop Dogg’s new video for the song “Lavender” just to give you an idea of where America’s head is at concerning Trump.

*crackles over sound system*

Hi again folks, uhhhhh, this is your captain speaking once again. If you look out over either side of the plane you’ll see we’re flying over the western coast of the United States. As you can, uh, see things are much less jubilant than you might imagine. There’s less traffic on the highways than ever before, because people simply don’t want to get out of bed. 

In that same respect, people have nothing to do in bed to rid themselves of their wallowing, due to the fact that contraception is no longer available. It’s a real phenomenon, folks. Uhhh, movies are pretty bad these days, if you’re into (Trump’s) American entertainment you should feel for these people.

Don’t forget the entertainment professionals who’ve been barred from entering the country to accept honors during award’s season this year thanks to the travel ban. Well, it’s not a ban per se, but it does ban people. Weird, huh?

*crackles over sound system*

Hi again, folks, we’re at a steady altitude as we cruise over parts of the midwestern United States. You’ll notice there’s a dense layer of smog-like pollution you’d typically only see in larger urban areas. This is due to the denial of Global Warming in Trump’s America.

Everyone is free to throw what would’ve been their recycling just right out into the street. This convenience factor is huge for anyone who doesn’t want to read a book, or open a blue lid every once in a while. 

Those who drive overly large vehicles that serve no actual purpose in their career–rather, just around for fun–are awarded certain tax breaks, so you can imagine a lot of people have jumped onboard with that initiative.

These plains are a really beautiful marvel to look at, you’ll just have to take my word for it. If you don’t believe me, contact Rex Tillerson, alias “Wayne Tracker,” formerly of Exxon, for his thoughts on the effects of climate change. It’ll be a gas to hear what he says, pun intended there folks.

*crackles over sound system*

Folks, we’re about to enter Washington D.C. airspace, so it is advised you close your windows or put on your complimentary sunglasses if you choose to leave them open. If you so choose the latter, you’ll notice all of the nation’s capital is now solid gold, thus it emits quite a blinding glare in the daylight.

Bare with us, as we’ll have to let, “Jesus take the wheel,” as we fly through this airspace. This is an initiative spearheaded by V.P. Pence and his cohorts to make more people, “Quit using their brains so much.” His mother/wife helped in the verbiage of this bill.

You could email him to complain about it, but, uhhhhhhh, he’s gone to court to ensure his emails are private. I’m sure the irony is not dead on any of you.

*crackles over sound system*

Hi again folks, uhhhhhh, we’re about to reach our destination at J.F.K. airport, which as some of you may now be aware has been renamed to, “Weak, Loser President Airport” by the current president in an executive order known as, “Pointing At Stuff And Naming It How I Feel About It.”

Uhhhhh, for those of you visiting the United States for this first time, this might come as a shock to you considering our mostly democratic background, and for those of you returning home from a trip overseas: you probably could’ve done something to prevent this.

Flight attendants prepare for landing.

*crackles over sound system*

Hi folks, we’ve, uhhhhhhhh, got a few minutes here while we wait for a gate to open up. Even in Trump’s America, airlines double book everything…Hi-oh!

Jokes aside, as you exit the aircraft, please keep in mind the protocol as follows:

White people, you may proceed through the gate unchecked and back to your lives without any questions asked.

Those of you coming here from a nation unlucky enough to have a Trump property, you can also feel free to proceed onto American soil unquestioned. In that regard, I guess you’re happy Trump built a gaudy piece of real estate where you’re from? Debatable.

Those of you with any skin tone other than lily-white coming anywhere that doesn’t have a Trump property, you should follow the cones to the next gate. You will be boarding another aircraft, and will continue to do so in a Black Mirror esque never-ending loop for the next four to eight years. Trump’s plan to secure the boarders has resulted in keeping “them” in the air eating peanuts until he knows what to do. 

On that note, the peanuts are no longer complimentary, for anyone, and you’ll all be receiving a bill as you exit the aircraft. Profits will be collected for a fund known as the “President’s Peanuts Proceeds,” piggybacking off the idea of Trump Steaks and ripping off everyone he can.

Anyone boarding a connecting flight to Hawaii will be considered in collusion with the Hawaiian government for blocking the current travel ban, which Trump doesn’t even consider Hawaii a state, because that’s where Obama was born and has been hanging out. It all makes sense if you don’t think about it.

Finally, if you have any thoughts on what organization Trump should donate his presidential salary to, write it down and drop it in the buckets located in the terminals. They look like trash cans, but I can assure you he’ll take your thoughts into consideration.

I’m sorry for this and other inconveniences you’ve experienced on this flight and beyond, but thanks for choosing to fly with us, and again: welcome to Trump’s America.


Written by Taylor Sade

Taylor Sade

Taylor Sade is a writer whose work you may have seen on Above Average, College Humor, Distractify, Splitsider, here (of course) and if you have no free time, many other places as well. Follow him on Twitter: @taylorsade

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