News On The March

Proactiv Introduces Humbling Cream, Which Gives Pimples to Cool Kids

EL SEGUNDO, CALIFORNIA—Acne medication company Proactiv today announced a new Humbling Cream, which gives pimples to cool kids so they’ll grow up to be nice.

“It’s tough to be a teenager” said a Proactiv spokesperson, “and even tougher when you’ve got pimples. By giving acne to formerly smooth-skinned cool kids, we’re ensuring that they’ll experience enough adversity to understand the concerns and perspectives of others throughout their lives.”


The new cream employs a mix of low-grade, used cooking grease and proprietary pore-clogging compounds to encourage the growth of whiteheads, blackheads, and cysts—and, in some cases, scarring, which is intended to render even the most confident youngster self-conscious.


While the spokesperson called the new cream “Exactly what cool kids deserve,” the American Psychological Association warned in a press release that “We condemn this sick product in the strongest possible terms, as acne can cause anxiety and even severe depression.” The Proactiv spokesperson, haunted by years of social alienation that he blamed on everyone but himself, said: “Yeah, psychologists. That’s the point. Let’s see how Neil deals with acne. Let’s see if Sally dates Neil when he has acne. Let’s see who’s ‘Pizzaface’ now, Neil.” He had a faraway gaze, and in that moment you’d have to ask yourself: Is he not now much crueler than his onetime tormentors? Is it not time to grow as a person and just let go of his anger?


As of press time, Sally and Neil could not be reached for comment.


Written by Jonathan Zeller

Jonathan Zeller

Jonathan Zeller is a writer, editor and comedian who’s contributed to McSweeney’s, The New York Times, and Teen Vogue.