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Rejection Letter from Grams’ Jams to Ad Agency For Misunderstanding ‘Esoteric’ for ‘Erotic’

Bryan Champlin

CEO, Faust & Furious Ad Agency

1158 Rivers Bend Lane

Orphchank, CA 90527

 


 

Dear Mr. Champlin,

First off, thank you so much to you and your team for tending to the advertising needs of Grams’ Jams.    We are a small, niche company, and we appreciate the attention to detail that your company has provided us.    Sending us the package of advertising materials was a very nice touch.    We have just watched your video pitch, and have a few comments:

*  We mentioned to you initially that we are an esoteric jams and jellies company, ie most likely appealing to those who have a very specific and already nurtured interest in jams and jellies.   Is it perhaps possible that you misunderstood, and believed that we had instead said “erotic”?

* To further reiterate and elaborate on the above point, we are in fact not an erotic jams and jellies company.  And so slogans such as “Warm And Juicy, Just Like Gram Gram Used To Make”, and “Meant For Swallowing” would be inappropriate for our brand, and the clientele that we hope to attract.

*  Which leads me to, “Once You Go Blackberry, You Won’t Go Backberry.”?    That’s just inappropriate and racist, and not in the least bit erotic (operating under the assumption that you believed us to be an erotic jams and jellies company).    Perhaps this was an attempt to be edgy?  And to be honest, I don’t believe that backberry is even a word (unless it’s some sort of slang term?).    Again, aimed at the wrong audience, I’m afraid.

*  The idea of marketing our product in a line of jars shaped like the Gram of Gram’s Jams in indeed inspired.    However, having our product dispensed from the vagina-area of the Gram bottle is, obviously, not something that we have any interest in.   Thank you much for going to the trouble, however.

Obviously your presentation, while very professional, was quite a shock to our patriarch and namesake, who shortly thereafter suffered several strokes, and is now lies in a medically induced coma.   If she survives, we may possibly be interested in hearing your less controversial ideas.    And if not, we the beneficiaries of her will and company are more than likely going to be contacting you about reintroducing some of these more erotic ideas.

All my best,

Bryce Pickner,

VP, Grams’ Jams

 

Written by Kit Lively

Kit Lively

Ain’t It Cool News said of Kit, “If Gary Larson is Bill Cosby, then Kit is Richard Pryor.” That’s a great quote, right? Man, I love that quote! That was, until Bill Cosby turned out to be a deplorable serial rapist. Now the quote isn’t worth shit, even though my name isn’t linked directly to Cosby’s! Thanks a lot Bill, you jackass. Not only have you ruined dozens of lives with your rapey ways, but you’ve ruined a perfectly good quote as well. I hope you rot in Hell, you scumbag.
Anyway, Kit’s cartoons have been published by lots of humor magazines, etc. etc. yadda yadda. (sigh)….

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