“Scientist leading ‘de-extinction’ effort says Harvard team could create hybrid mammoth-elephant embryo in two years” – Hannah Devlin, The Guardian, 2017
Through a process that required a great deal of knowing things, scientists at the Association For Scientific Spectacles (ASS) have found success with their fourth attempt at bringing back the Dodo.
“We are thrilled with ourselves and confident that we have liberated these birds from extinction. Again,” said Dr. Hurrline, head of ASS. Critics are calling Project Dodo Part Quatro a thrice failed experiment and legitimate cause for abolishing the term YOLO. ASS enthusiasts have responded by stressing the importance of fat, trowel-headed birds that have no available habitat or flight skills. “There may not be room for them on our planet, but there sure is in our hearts,” said Stanley, Dodo translator and fowl language specialist, as he tipped his ASS hat.
Project Dodo was initially egged on by the success of bringing back the woolly mammoth, a species that has done wonders for urban remodeling and inspired Ed Sheeran’s new hit song “Furryphants Flatten Manhattan.” After the first resurrection, the Dodos seemed bewildered but inexplicably happy. “Unfortunately, they still retained ancient, embarrassingly weak characteristics such as trust and friendliness,” lamented Dr. Hurrline. The Dodos were declared extinct a record twelve days after their de-extinction due to their selfish insistence on helping with road crossings and target practice.
The second time ASS scientists successfully resurrected the Dodo through Project Dodo Deux-Over, DNA was doodled to tone down the birds’ fatally friendly nature. This time, the resurrected Dodos were so innately reclusive they ended up sequestered indoors, binge-watching Netflix and playing World Of Warcraft around the clock. Their foraging skills had evolved substantially, enabling them to scavenge on Amazon Fresh and place large Papa John’s orders through their PlayStations. Due to these introverted habits, they never reproduced and quickly died out once again.
Undeterred by death threats and the stampedes of fuzzy pachyderms, ASS were confident the third time would be charming. The Dodo genes were fiddled with once again, this time for confident and assertive tendencies. The Dodos of Project Dodon’t Fuck This Up Again showed immediate interest in Armani cufflinks, giving every indication they would make excellent business managers. Mere seconds after their restoration, Dodos flocked to Wall Street. Once forced to run from muskets, many now attempted to run for office. Sadly, it soon became apparent that although they could squawk the squawk, they couldn’t stay alive. Soon, all perished, succumbing to PTSD (Post Trump Stress Disorder), Ponzi schemes and a series of bad investments.
“Uh, uh…why..uh…are we bringing the, uh, Dodo back…when we could be focusing our efforts on, er, saving the species we have left? Uh, surely—” began a man who looked and sounded and autographed like Jeff Goldblum. He was unable to continue due to being heavily pelted with test tubes, petri dishes and pocket protectors.
This fourth resurrection introduces a new type of Dodo, ones that have been as prolific as rabbits thanks to a mating call that sounds like Marvin Gaye’s Sexual Healing. It’s DNA composition promotes modern survival skills such as passive aggression, heavy Tinder usage, tweeting politically in an ambiguous manner and an aversion to the stupid horn that goes off at least four times in hip hop songs. When asked to comment, the WWF said that they do not support the de-extinction efforts because Dodos show very little aptitude for wrestling.
De-extinction critics are convinced the scientists have dug themselves a giant ASS hole given the latest side effect—the new Dodos’ exceptionally flavorful and pre-seasoned thighs. As a result, the highly grillable Dodo 4.0 has already dethroned the chicken as our planet’s favorite protein. Despite intense ASS optimism, it remains to be seen whether the Dodos can keep up with the demands of Kentucky Fried Dodo and give enough fucks to avoid a fourth extinction.