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Sean Spicer’s Dinner Speech While Celebrating Cinco de Mayo with Coworkers at Chili’s

Thank you all for coming. Everyone here is…here. So, nachos garcias for that. I would like to remind everyone that for the rest of the night, I insist on being called Juan Spicier. That’s the only name I will respond to today. It is my way, our way, all of us here, of honoring this joyous holiday celebration of significance or commemorating what may be a tragic and shocking day in history that is very clearly the fault of Hillary Clinton, nobody really knows. There is a lot of misinformation about this in the media and it is something my office is working to determine. So, we will get back to you on that hopefully by next week.

I hope everyone is enjoying these bottomless margaritas. I’d like to go on record as saying that they are refreshing, they are salty, they have ice. I have had five of these Latin-style Slurpees and encourage everyone to eat, drink, and be merry and also chip in your share.

Chris? Chris, can I talk? Thank you. You’ll get more chips. Settle down.

Sir? Sir? Can we get more chips and salsas? Chip-o and salsa-o, por favor? Garcias.

Now, a lot of people in the dishonest media like to pretend that this administration is racist towards Mexico and that’s just not true. It’s not true. These same quote unquote reporters never called Obama racist, but guess what? Taco Tuesday was not a thing in the White House cafeteria until President Trump came in. Every Tuesday, the President flies in tacos from a Mexican-owned small business he discovered near Trump Tower. This little adobe building that has seating for maybe 35 people and probably struggling under Obamacare now has a standing order under this administration, putting this struggling and relatively unknown taco-ria on the map. Someday, maybe there will be a Taco Bell in every city in America. If that happens, it’s because of Donald Trump and his commitment to supporting small businesses.

Or how about when you call a bank or your gym, there is now a press 2 for Spanish option. That didn’t exist under Hillary Clinton and Obama. That was something the president was very passionate about and he got it passed on his first night in office with 99% of Senators, that’s over 17,000 members of Congress, voting in favor. That’s an incredible gesture to all Hipsanic… The legal ones. Let me be clear, the legal ones can press 2 for Spanish. The president is working on an executive order that will create a press 3 option for illegal aliens, those drug dealers and criminals and single mothers that are needing to transfer funds or leave a message for their trainer.

Go into any restaurant in this great land of ours, any restaurant, and take a look at the menu. On the back, there is now a special menu which offers your favorite items at appropriate portions including a side and a drink at discounted prices specifically for señors. We did that because that’s not only who we are as a country and as a nation, but also as a country. For Don Jr.’s golf partner that carries his bags, for the laborers at Eric’s winery, for the woman that raises Ivanka’s children, for them and for anyone of Hipsanic, Mexican, Latina-American, Iglesias or Mariachi origin. These gestures are President Trump’s way of saying garcias.

            On a personal level, especially on this, a day of great joy or very deep sorrow, I’ll admit that every single time that I spread a thick layer of mayo on the bologna and rye that I then eat over the sink-o, which is how I eat all of my meals, I give a nod to the advancements Hipsanics have made in the plumbing and condiment industries. That is why I want you all to raise a glass and join me in a toast. Muy Zorro, everyone!


Written by Mike Calahan

Mike Calahan

Mike Calahan is a writer living in California’s Bay Area. He is neither famous nor infamous nor even Famous Amos. However, he is content writing in any form, including short stories, humor columns, articles, jailhouse confessions, grocery lists of expired food items, and personal manifestos. Follow him on Twitter @mikecalahan

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