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Six Republican Men You’d Totally Invite into the Bathroom with Your Daughter

We’ve all been there: watching your young daughter walk into a public restroom, perhaps to never be heard from again. It’s terrifying to think that rapists and serial killers can now wander around women’s bathrooms with impunity—all under the guise of political correctness! However, you can make an exception for these six Republican men, all of whom you could feel totally fine inviting into the bathroom with your daughter. 

 

Paul Ryan, GOP Speaker of the House

 
This wonk of man-meat.  Hip, young, and kind of a nerd; this is a guy you could totally trust not to pee in a pool, let alone sexually violate your eight-year-old daughter.  As an added bonus, Mr. Ryan is also an avid Rage Against the Machine fan. You could bet those two would be a couple of Chatty Kathys, stall by stall, discussing the anti-neoliberal ideology in the Zapatista revolution from the song, “People of the Sun.”

 

Marco Rubio, GOP Senator

 
It’s relatively safe to assume Senator Rubio is also currently running for student council at your daughter’s school. Politics being politics, it’s hard to imagine Mr. Rubio not sneaking into the girl’s bathroom to hang an election poster or two. A harmless violation of the public’s trust. Actually, I’d be more worried about him if he behaved too perfectly.

 

Charles Krauthammer, Conservative Pundit

 
We all know people in wheelchairs overcompensate by having truly winning personalities, and Mr. Krauthammer is no exception. He was fighting for your daughter before she was even born, before you were even aware she was conceived, while her mother was crying on the bathroom floor, pregnancy test in hand, bemoaning the fact her dad had been right about you all along. You could say Ole Chuck was there for you, fighting for a simpler time.

 
 

Dennis Hastert, Former GOP Speaker of the House

 
Given the fact former Speaker Hastert is currently serving 15 months for molesting boys, he’d be completely harmless standing outside your little girl’s stall as she pees.

 

Lindsey Graham, GOP Senator

 
Senator Lindsey Graham is the type of guy who’d feel right at home in a women’s locker room. With his fierce, humorous personality, he could knock the grizzle off an unshaven lumberjack before you could say, “the next round of Cosmopolitans is on me.” Mr. Graham is just like that old babysitter you used to have, who would invite her boyfriend over to make out after you went to bed.

 

Paul LePage, GOP Governor of Maine

 
 The best part of inviting Mr. LePage into the women’s bathroom with your daughter is that he’s already in there.
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Written by Matt Rotman

Matt Rotman

Matt Rotman is a writer, poet, and comic (in ascending order of his father’s disappointment). His work has been featured in Diabolique Magazine, The New Southerner, Marathon Literary Review, and the anthologies, [Ex]tinguished & [Ex]tinct: An Anthology of Things That No Longer [Ex]ist (Twelve Winters Press) and Puff Puff Prose, Poetry and a Play Vol. II. He lives in San Diego, CA.

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