Supermodel Gisele Bundchen is a gorgeous woman who probably never had the experience of being heckled until Sunday night, when the New England Patriots lost to the New York Giants in the Super Bowl again.

Gissy and Tommy Talk Through Another Tough Loss

At Lucas Oil Stadium, after Super Bowl XLVI concluded with another New York Giants victory over the New England Patriots, Giants fans noted that QB Eli Manning has been successful in 2-out-of-2 Championship games against her husband, QB Tom Brady.

“My husband cannot [expletive starting with "f" and ending with "ucking"] throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time,” she replied in the heat of the moment. “I can’t believe they dropped the ball so many times.”

Justin Tuck Flashes the NFL Sign for Vagina in Tom Brady's General Direction

While many sports analysts (and all New England fans who choose not to blame the loss on TE Rob Gronkowski’s injury) agree with Mrs. Brady, her comment makes Tom look like a pussy an even bigger pussy.

Cursing and blaming are not the best things to do when trying to deal with a second Super Bowl loss in four years, but the poor beauty had simply never been heckled before and had no idea how to behave.

“You’d think she would have learned some integrity from coach Belichick,” Gisele’s friend Claudia Schiffer said before someone reminded her that Belichick is a cheater with no integrity. “Oh,” Schiffer said, “well then just be impressed that [Gisele] knows who all these football people are!”

One of the football people, Justin Tuck, showed that Brady is no longer in his prime… that he’s more of a Terrible Tom than Tom Terrific. During the first Patriots offensive play of the game, Tuck forced the New England QB to back-peddle in fear and throw the ball to no man’s land.

What the officials called “intentional grounding” may have, according to Bundchen, been another missed opportunity by the Patriots receivers.

How Did No Patriot Catch This Throw? I Mean, Really!

Completely unbiased and not-at-all-bitter analyst and former Giants running back Tiki Barber agrees with the Brazilian babe. Barber said, “Belichick is a genius, Brady is a super star and Eli has a weird voice. Obviously, this was not a Giants victory, but a Patriots loss. Now please sign me next season… I have an ex-wife to pay, ya know?”

Current Giants running back Brandon Jacobs has allegedly told reporters that Gisele Bundchen, “…just needs to continue to stay cute and shut up.” The statement, coincidentally, is identical to what he’s being saying all year about MVP QB Eli Manning.

The NFL Season reached it’s official end with Eli Manning and the  New York Giants emerging victorious over the Tom Brady led New England Patriots by a final score of 21-17. And while a few fans at your Super Bowl party probably left feeling jubilant or downright depressed, depending on their team allegiance, it’s a safe bet most of the people who watched the game wherever you were at were just there to watch commercials. Whether you were an overzealous Football fan or an indifferent attendee this Super Bowl Sunday, there’s a good chance you committed a party foul or two. So in the interest of atoning for your Super Bowl sins, we here at National Lampoon have listed a number of things worth apologizing for on this Super Hangover Monday.

1. Hurling your pint glass in a rage at your friend’s new HDTV after a seemingly innocuous play where the a running back gained three yards on 1st down.

2. The several times you took your penis out when Gisele was shown in the press box, Adriana Lima appeared in a commercial, or the camera cut to Tom Brady on the sideline.

3. Mocking people who like sports, even though you’ve taken the time to attend a party where the main event is sitting around a TV and watching a sport. Maybe people should mock you for your priority management.

4. Talking at length about point spreads of past Super Bowls. No one wants to hear about your years of gambling addiction.

5. Being offended that M.I.A. gave the camera the middle finger.

6. Showing up to the party in Uggs in a show of solidarity with Tom Brady.

7. Repeatedly referring to your trips to the bathroom as “going for 2 in the Super Bowl.”

8. Getting so drunk you vomited into the onion dip, but then you just mixed it around in there and hope no one noticed.

9. The ten minutes you spent explaining why Joe Buck is probably the best analyst in Football.

10. Trying to be the funny, token non-sports fan who repeatedly asked “who’s playing?” and then shouted “touchdown” when nothing was happening.

11. Referring to your team as “we” even though you’re 5 f00t 7, 264 lbs and have never run more than 15 yards at a time in your life.

12. Complaining that there’s no vegan snack options or asking if all of the ingredients in the nachos are “organic.”

13. Shutting off the Madonna halftime speech so you could make a speech on how the Socialist Obama regime is ruining the National Football League.

14. Bragging about how awesome the Jets are going to be next year once they sign Peyton Manning.

15. Trying to be the funny, token non-sports fan who asked “which team is Tim Tebow on?”.

16. Repeatedly telling everyone you “know someone at the game,” even though you know no one cares and he/she’s just a casual acquaintance.

17. Frequently cropdusting the snack table and viewing areas.

18. Changing the channel to Animal Planet during the final 4th quarter drive to find out the final score of The Puppy Bowl.

Super Bowl XLVI between the New York Giants and New England Patriots is all set for Sunday, February 5th.  The game will afford Giants QB Eli Manning with opportunity to prove once and for all that he’s an elite NFL Quarterback should he manage to take down Tom Brady in the big game for a second time. ESPN’s Skip Bayless sat down with Peyton’s little brother several days prior this “Super Matchup” to get his take on all things Super Bowl-related– and things got a little bit weird.

SKIP BAYLESS: Everybody doubted you. Nobody thought you’d make it this far. But all you do is win games. You’re a playmaker.

ELI MANNING: Well, it’s not just me. It’s our team. We believe in ourselves. We’ve been here before. When we were 7-7, we knew we could run the table. This is a good football team.

SB: Lot a people said switching to a spread offense wouldn’t work in the NFL, but you guys are proof that such an offense can win and even flourish.

EM: Actually Skip, not sure if you watch the games, but we don’t run a spread offense. Our offense is very much a pro-style offense. Kevin Gilbride, our offensive coordinator prepares a solid game plan every week and we just execute.

SB: Take me back to your childhood. Your mom has a difficult pregnancy, the doctor recommends the pregnancy be terminated, but your mom refuses and has faith you’ll make it. You’re the miracle child who wasn’t supposed to make it and yet you continue to make those miracles happen on the football field. Would you say your faith played a big role in getting to the Super Bowl?

EM: I think you’re confusing your stories here. None of that happened. At least my parents, you know former NFL QB Archie Manning and my mom Olivia– said that I was planned and was not too difficult. As far as I know, my brothers Cooper, Peyton and I didn’t really have  any worrisome moments like that. If there were any birthing issues in the Manning family, it was probably Peyton’s huge forehead. You know, my brother Peyton, right? The Super Bowl-winning QB for the Colts. Also, if you mean by faith, faith in my teammates, then yeah it played a role in getting to the Super Bowl. I owe guys like Victor Cruz, Hakeem Nicks, and my O-line a lot of credit.

SB: I mean your faith in god, Tim. Lot a people said faith and the NFL couldn’t mix and that you talking about how important God was in your life didn’t belong in the game. Yet, you went out there and made everyone into believers.

EM: Did you just call me Tim?

SB: Moving along. You lost to the Patriots in the regular season and again in the divisional playoffs. Yet, you somehow made it to the Super Bowl. What do you think you could do different this time around to reverse the curse?

EM: Actually Skip, we beat the Patriots in the regular season and we’re in the NFC, so we didn’t play them in the Divisional Playoffs. I think you’re  thinking of the Broncos. It’s impossible to play in the Super Bowl after you lose a divisional playoff.

SB: Ah, impossible is nothing. Especially, for you. You’ve gone out there and proved all the naysayers wrong. So the big question I want to ask and I think everybody wants to ask, is will you be Tebowing in the Super Bowl?

EM: Why would I be Tebowing in the Super Bowl?

SB: C’mon, Tim. Don’t be so modest, you’re definitely going to run one in against the Pats. Belichick can’t work up a scheme for a superior athlete such as yourself. So you’ve said time and again, your favorite bible passage is John 3:16. How ’bout you do a dramatic reading of that for me right now.

EM: Skip. I don’t play anything like Tim Tebow, nor do I look like Tim Tebow. I’m Eli Manning. I play for the Giants and we’re playing the Pats in the Super Bowl, if you’d like to rejoin me on this planet.

SB: What would you say to anyone who doesn’t think you’re an elite quarterback?

EM: I’d say that’s their opinion and they’re entitled to it. I go out there and play hard and try to perform at a level that gives my team the best chance to win games. That’s all I can do, but I don’t regret saying I’m an elite QB.

SB: Well, there you have it. Future 5-time Super Bowl MVP Tim Tebow, an elite QB and maybe the best ever. Go Broncos!

Football player and flamboyant drama king, Terrell Owens told his personal trainer that he misses the NFL. After advising to spread the word that he’s interested in playing real professional football again, Owens said, “it’ll be different this time… I’ve changed, I promise I’ve changed!”

Terrell Owens Doing What He Does Best of Late, Crying

On a day when Terrell Owens (the performer formerly known as T.O.) was supposed to be holding a press conference to speak about accepting the Allen Wranglers’ offer to both play for their indoor football league team and join their ownership group, Owens instead invited reporters to his driveway, where he confessed his longing to return to the NFL.

“I’d obviously rather play football outdoors,” Owens told reporters. He spoke to the media in the nude.

What Terrell Owens was Wearing, Except Without the Pants

While some speculated that the point of being naked was to show off his fit body, others believe the showman wore no clothes as a symbol of his new-found vulnerability.

“Often times I lay awake and wonder if the NFL thinks of me even half as much as I think of them,” Owens tearfully stated to the two reporters that thought covering the story would be an amusing way to spend their lunch break. “If anyone, anywhere in the league cares for me one-one-millionth as much as I care about myself, then I think we can be together again.”

Owens continued by reminding those present that he never even announced a retirement. “I never lost the feeling in the heart and soul to play football at a real, professional level,” Owens read off an index card. Some research shows, however, that there is no scientific proof the athlete ever had either a heart or a soul. Medical records have not yet been made available to the public for review.

“Being told that the indoor football league is the equivalent of intramural sports for the rich reminded me that if I want to think I am one of the best, I need to be in a league with those who are actually considered the best,” Owens explained.

The timing of all this is natural. With the Super Bowl soon, Owens is reminded of when he played well with a bum ankle, only to lose because Donovan McNabb is “fat, slow, and bad at football.”

To conclude, Owens made his final plea, “I want to no longer look at the past with regret, but build a future based on mutual love and respect that will make both the NFL and myself very happy for years to come.”

We here at National Lampoon love three things. We love humor, we love linking out to funny videos, and we love tasty snacks. Until now, we’ve had a terrible time finding a way to combine the three into one dynamite package.

A while back, we had an office contest to see who could laugh the longest with a mouthful of DORITOS chips while watching a viral video without any DORITOS mush trickling out. It was kind of disgusting. We held a few official meetings to remedy the problem, but despite our creative nature, there just didn’t seem to be any other logical solution to our snack/video quandary.

How to combine the orange goodness of Doritos AND funny videos?

We had nearly given up all hope when DORITOS Darrell, the guy who stocks our vending machine, reminded us of that hilarious fan-made commercial where the guy uses the crystal ball to score free DORITOS. That’s when it hit us, we could make our own DORITOS commercial and spread it all over the web. Maybe it would even air on the Super Bowl like that other one! When we posed the possibility to the fine folks at DORITOS, they encouraged us to give it a go in this year’s DORITOS Crash the Super Bowl Contest, where two lucky fan finalists will have their DORITOS commercials aired during the Super Bowl.

Anyway, we were nearly ready to make our very own ad a reality, but then we got caught up in the latest GOP debate and it totally slipped our minds. The good news is, lots of funny people entered the contest, and the folks at DORITOS have selected 5 hysterical finalists and you can help decide which fan finalist commercials will make a splash during this year’s big game. Just click on through to the other side and vote to your heart’s content.

Contest Description:

This time around, DORITOS is airing two fan-created commercials during the Super Bowl on February 5^th.  One of those ads will be chosen through consumer voting – that’s where you come in. The DORITOS team has already watched every single commercial that was submitted and chosen the top-5 finalist ads. Now, the creators of these 5 finalist ads will go head-to-head against each other for the chance to have their commercial aired during the Super Bowl and have millions of people see their work.

We need fans to help vote for their favorite fan-made DORITOS ad from among these five finalist ads.

Vote and Win Prizes:

And if that’s not enough, this year, the DORITOS brand is taking it up a notch – they’re giving away a maximum of $100,000 in cold hard cash to fans who vote.  DORITOS has set their sights on getting a total of 1 million votes by the end of January. Every time the total number of votes across all of the voting platforms increases by 100,000, they will award one lucky fan with a $10,000 cash prize.  DORITOS is calling it The Million Vote Drive, and the more fans vote at CrashTheSuperBowl.com, through their smart phones and via Xbox LIVE, the more chances there are to win.

Sponsored message

The following is a brief dramatization of what we here at National Lampoon believe to have occurred at the home of Broncos QB Tim Tebow following Denver’s 29-23 overtime playoff victory against the defending AFC Champion Pittsburgh Steelers.

(Tim Tebow gets back to his Denver-area home to find Satan, horns and all lounging on his couch)

Satan: Hey, hey T-Bone! What’s going down my man?

TT: Jesus Christ! Who are you?

Satan: Come on, Tea Time. You know who I am. I’m George Burns. ( Satan quickly transforms into the deceased actor puffing on a cigar). I’m just kidding. (Switches back to Devil form). Pretty cool how I can do that though, eh?

TT: Satan? (Tebow grabs the crucifix around his neck) The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!

Satan: Take it easy, buddy. I’m not here to hurt you. After all, we’re old friends.

TT: What do you mean, old friends?

Satan: C’mon, that letter of intent to the University of Florida? That contract with the Broncos for millions of dollars. Who do you think you were signing a deal with? Those were all deals with me.  It’s not like Gainesville and Denver are the holy cities of Bethlehem and Jerusalem. Florida’s a party school, for god’s sake.

TT: I refuse to believe that.

Satan: How do you explain all of that success early on in college built on marginal skill. You think it was an offensive system and the fact that college competition isn’t nearly as skilled as the pros? Well, actually that was a big part of it– but there’s a reason I didn’t let you win 2 Heisman trophies.

TT: And what about those 6 miracle wins in a row we reeled off? I Tebowed, I mean, prayed every day for my lord and savior to make that happen.

Satan: Yeah, but what about those three consecutive losses when nothing happened?  That was me having a little fun at your expense. Sorry Timmy, the moment you signed those contracts, you’ve been all mine. Look kid, you’re a good athlete, but not that good. Your success in the NFL has been a mixture of dumb luck and me inhabiting the bodies of various defenders and taking plays off.  I like to watch out for my investments. Plus, Jesus has other things he has to work on fixing. Sometimes he’s working on helping starving kids and sometimes he’s attending Republican debates. In fact, he’s been in New Hampshire since last week.

TT: So you’re saying Jesus hasn’t been present at all? I don’t believe you.

Satan: Well, Teboner. The JC man got pretty busy, it being New Year’s ‘n’ all¬– and before that there was a big birthday celebration with all the frankincense and myrrh you could…well whatever it is you do with frankincense ‘n’ myrrh. Damned if I know. Anyway, it was a great party. But my point is, I’m Satan and frankly I enjoy playing games with people’s faith. It’s a hobby of mine. Sometimes JC shows up to sporting events, but he’s more of a casual observer and his favorite team is the Saints. So if he was going to help anyone it would be those guys. Or if Brady Quinn were starting in Denver, that might be a different story. That guy went to Notre Dame.

TT: But what about the 316 yards this week,? It made so much sense. John 3:16 is my favorite bible verse. “For god so loved the world, that he gave his only…”

Satan: Tim, you don’t have to recite it. I’ve heard you recite it hundreds of times. I know you know it.

TT: So you’re saying you’re the reason we made it into the playoffs?

Satan: Well, losing three straight games and somehow backing in over teams that are equally deserving even though you were completing between 2 and 9 passes a game…that doesn’t seem a little devilish to you?

TT: I can’t believe this is happening? What are you doing here? Why now?

Satan: Well TreeBoat, this guy (pointing to himself to indicate “the devil”) is in the details. I’m here to let you know that this is probably the end of the line for the Broncos and the  Tebow Express this season. I can’t in good conscience lead you to victory on this one. People might know something is up if you keep performing this way. Frankly, you’re getting too much press in the other direction and it’s making me look ineffective. Plus, I made a bet at a Vegas sports book last February at 5-1 odds on a Pats/Saints Super Bowl. Daddy needs a…well daddy doesn’t actually need anything, he just likes winning bets.

TT: (dropping to his knees and grasping the crucifix around his neck) Forgive me lord, for I have sinned against you and I’m truly sorry.

Satan: Don’t say you’re sorry. Sorry only counts in horsehoes and hand grenades or whatever. The J-man can’t hear you all the way in the Granite State. Anyway, T-Squared I’m glad I could come by to have this little talky-talk. Good luck against the Patriots. Remember Tim, this is your time to shine. Also, I should tell you this is your only way out of the contract since it stipulates that if you beat the Patriots on your own in the playoffs, you’re a free man. But if I had to guess, I’d say you probably can’t do this even though you’ve seen this defense before. Oh, and I’ll be around next season to fulfill my end of the contract that says I’ll eventually getting you to the Super Bowl by your fourth season– time-permitting with that whole Mayan calendar thing.

TT: Satan, with my lord and savior as my guide, I shall defeat you and the Patriots this season.

Satan: Well, I wouldn’t go that far with Belichick on the other sideline , but I do have some advice to improve your performance.

TT: Oh yeah, what’s that?

Satan: Well, if you want to play a little bit more relaxed in a high pressure situation such as this, I highly recommend you do a little rubbing of the little QB’s helmet prior to game time.

TT: Masturbation is a tool of the devil!

Satan: Tell me something I don’t know, buddy. Either way, it’ll stop you from being so tense. You can’t go out there with your throwing shoulder all wound up tight-like. It’ll improve your passing motion. Loosen up there T-Bone. That is the key, so sayeth ol’ lucifer. Alright, I gotta go be the mascot at a hockey game in New Jersey.

The ground opens up slowly fades into a black shadow we can overhear him speaking under his breath.

Satan: (mumbling) poor kid doesn’t stand a chance.

TT: Begone Satan! (Satan is gone but a black hole remains in the middle of the room) Satan?

END SCENE

The Indianapolis Colts won 8 fewer games this season than they did last year, playing an entire season without beloved franchise hero quarterback Peyton Manning. Naturally, this has made the Colts unsure if they should stick with their Man(ning) or take their chances with Luck.

Indy-Ceision 2012... They're even wearing the Republican/Democrat colors to make the analogy that much more obvious!

While Indy hosts the Superbowl this year, they will think about how to get back to the big game… and if their chances are better with Peyton Manning or Andrew Luck under center.

Let’s examine the options…

The Incumbent: Peyton Manning

PROfessional resume:

• 4 MVP awards, an NFL record
• 11 Probowls
• Fastest QB to reach 50,000 yards passing
• Fastest QB to 4,000 completions
• Several dozen other impressive stats that lead many to believe he is one of the best to have ever played the game

CONcerns:

• Old (by football standards), probably 3-4 years left at most
• Neck issues raise concerns that head could fall off if sacked

The Challenger: Andrew Luck

Hype:

• Should be really great!!! Everyone says so! The same everyone that knew Lebron James would be a terrific basketball player. The same everyone that figured Ryan Leaf would be a star franchise quarterback… some of those even thought he should be drafted over… wait for it… Peyton Manning.

CONcerns:

• Rookie with actual ability to be a quality NFL quarterback unproven

Hmmm… what to do…

If Manning and Luck were in the draft, who would you pick? The veteran who will definitely give you a great chance for 1-4 seasons, or the rookie who will maybe give you a great chance for 0-15 seasons?

Don’t answer that. It’s a hypothetical question, anyway.

Here’s the plan:

Draft Luck and have him learn under Manning for a couple of seasons.

But Luck is good enough to play now, you say loudly and emphatically like the passionate sports fan you are.

Sure, Luck is better today than a Sanchez or anyone in We-Won’t-Win-nesota.

But why wouldn’t a young quarterback want to play behind a future unanimous first-ballot Hall of Famer? Worked out pretty well for that guy who played behind Brett Favre in Green Bay. You know, the Superbowl Champion guy whose team had the best record this season. I hear that guy’s back-up is doing well, too.

So…

Have Luck play behind, or perhaps in tandem (daring and different, I know) with Manning for a couple of seasons before Manning retires to become the Colts coach. Then, if Luck lives up to expectations, you could see the most interesting QB/coach relationship in the history of ever.

Unfortunately, I don’t get to make these choices. I will, just as you will, have to wait and see what Luck brings.

Other headlines from around the league:

New York Jets Admit to Hating Team As Much As Fans Do

Romo Plays Final Game Against Giants With a Hand As Big as Jerry Jones’ Ego

Oakland Raiders Miss Playoffs, Al Davis, Better Days

Bill Belichick Plans to Spend Bye Week Spying Cheating Working Really Hard at Being a Genius

Detroit and Cincinnati Not Horrible Teams Anymore, Just Horrible Cities

New Survey Confirms Not Enough People Freaked Out By Premature Deaths from 1994 San Diego Charger Team

Keeping Andy Reid and Jason Garrett as Coaches Is Great News for Redskins, Giants

Big Ben Roethishamburglar gets a lot of respect and credit from sportscasters and analysts for being a tough, strong leader…the kind that would rape your sister in a bathroom. Unfortunately, while a bum left ankle may not slow one’s rape-roll, it drastically affects the ability to quarterback.

Candlelit Game

A transformer blew up which, while sounding pretty cool, was the cause of two blackout delays during the Monday Night Football game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the San Francisco 49ers at Candlestick Park.

But the park wasn’t the only thing that was dim for this game, the Pittsburgh Steelers let limping quarterback Ben Roehisanklers play even though he moved worse than Brett Favre did when he lost the NFC championship to New Orleans two seasons ago.

Steelers Coach Omar Epps defended his decision to allow Roethisloser to throw three interceptions, since his mechanics were obviously off, because the QB is totally injured. “That guy’s bigger than me, so if he say he wanna play, I ain’t denying him!”

Meanwhile, you don’t have to be a doctor to know that if someone can’t really walk, they probably can’t play football well.

Now He Feels Shame

And Roethisbooger didn’t play well. His interceptions were underthrown and he couldn’t escape getting sacked. Obviously, in this situation, the Steelers opted for twice as many pass plays as running plays.

On the other side of the field, the San Francisco 49ers credited themselves for beating a team that just hates back-ups Charlie Batch and Dennis Dixon.

“We won and this game is about winning. This league is about winning, my job is about winning and this San Francisco team is winning!” Head Coach One-of-the-Harbaugh’s told reporters. “Plus, the owners got to show the world that we, too, need to spend a billion dollars on a shmancy stadium and price out our fans.”

“It was a lot of practice and advice from the other Harbaugh that lead us to victory,” they believed, failing to take into consideration the fact that they played a team that let a guy who doesn’t think helmets are necessary when riding a motorcycle decide if he was in good enough condition to play.

“We went hard gettin’ ready for this game. Donovan McNabb has really embraced his new role as a tackle dummy,” 49ers linebacker Patrick Willis stated before his teammates shouted, “What you talkin’ ’bout, Willis?”

GAME NOTES: The Steelers could’ve got Luke McCown at the Jacksonville Jaguars Going Out of Business Sales, but opted not to make that purchase… Many conspiracy theorists say that the transformer at the stadium didn’t actually blow, but that San Francisco is simply a dirty hippie place that doesn’t care about electricity.

Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow is a polarizing figure in sports.

Many love that a good ‘ol American white boy can show that home schooling kids can lead to a good job in a talent, not education based, field.

Others like that there’s a positive role model in the NFL. “It’s nice to see a player who can recite biblical verses with the same ease Braylon Edwards can recite Miranda rights,” someone’s mother said.

The End of Days

Tim Tebow: “Flood in visitors’ locker room just one of many plagues to come!”

And You Thought GB was Green Bay!

“He sucks a lot of figurative dick,” one report reports. “Perhaps because the media treats him like the Messiah he thinks he is,” the study goes on to say.

Back at the Fox Command Center (which is just another TV studio), sportscasters give a lot of credit to Tebow for knowing the rules of the game he plays. “He’s true to his starts,” John Huck praises, “and he makes sure his formations are always legal.”

"Choice means some may abort, and if someone like me, Tim Tebow, was aborted... well, the world wouldn't be blessed with me, Tim Tebow."

For some people, Tebow hatred started almost two years ago, when him and his mother were featured in an anti-choice ad that aired during the Superbowl.

“What is this crap?” Fans everywhere asked at a time when no one wants to think about politics or babies. Except maybe that funny talking E-Trade baby.

(Meanwhile, two guys who like getting laid teamed up with Planned Parenthood to make this response video that probably no one saw because they were drunk at the time they saw the Tebow one.)

Religion gets mixed up in sports all the time. Very often fans, players, and coaches alike mention God or a lack of God during games. For most, it’s only a matter of speaking. But the media is pushing the idea that it’s a matter of believing and fans should decide if they believe in Tebow.

“How?” LaRonda Sherannda asked. “Like, do I believe he’s a person? Do I believe he’s winning? His team seems to be winning, but that don’t mean it’s all cuza him, do it?”

Speaking of the team, when asked for comment on their leader’s ability to succeed, the rest of the Broncos said, “why is it only about him? It’s a team sport, goddamnit!”

Patriots WR Tiquan Underwood. Pic courtesy of @jimmytraina

We know Tim Tebow and Jesus would never g0 mano y mano in any athletic competition, but Tebow’s recent success on the gridiron has awakened the belief amongst religious Denver Broncos fans that he may, in fact, be the second coming of the one true lord and savior. Christians everywhere may threaten to switch their allegiances from the Catholic Church to Sports Authority Field at Mile High, if Tim Tebow continues to pull out miracles through unquestionable faith and mediocre-yet-timely playmaking.  We here at National Lampoon have taken it upon ourselves to examine the likelihood that Tim Tebow is, in fact, Jesus– and Jesus is Tim Tebow. The similarities are eerie. Let’s explore them, shall we?

Birth
The Virgin Mary gave birth to Jesus, despite having no idea whom the father was. C’mon, there’s no way she would’ve just surmised the she was pregnant with the son of God right off the bat. There had to be a few weeks where she thought she just had a stomache ache or some sort of plague and went to see some sort of doctor figure about her issues. If there was abortion back then, she would’ve at least considered it. No one wants some mystery seed of indeterminate origin growing inside them.

Tim Tebow’s mom gave birth to her son, in spite of the health issues. People questioned her decision to put her own health at risk for her unborn child. She could’ve had an abortion, but instead trusted in her faith in God and went through with it. She could’ve never known that she would give birth to Football Jesus.

Riches/Accolades
Upon birth, Jesus was met by three wise men whom showered him in gifts of Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh.

Tim Tebow not only won the Heisman Trophy his sophomore year, but upon being drafted by the Denver Broncos he received a rookie contract $9.7125 million over 5 years. That’s a lot of money for someone no one thinks is going to be a very good NFL QB.

Preceded by
John the Baptist is often thought to be the precursor to Jesus Christ. The itinerant preacher foretold of a messianic figure that would be greater than himself, ultimately agreeing that that person which he was blathering on about was Jesus of Nazareth. He baptized him at Bethany beyond the Jordan before giving him the go ahead to take over.

After the fruitful John Elway and pretty okay Jake “The Snake” Plummer eras, The Denver Broncos searched high and low for their next QB messiah. They drafted Jay Cutler with a mind to mold him into “the one,” only to discover he was a huge dick. They then traded for the impossibly more modest and improbably more competent Kyle Orton. Orton put up some big numbers, but ultimately struggled during the 2011 season before being cut. They had also traded for Brady Quinn, thought to be a potential messiah in the distant land of Cleveland. Quinn even had some religious background, having often led the Fighting Irish Catholics of Notre Dame to victory. Alas, Denver never really gave Quinn a chance, since everyone agreed he kinda sucked. Tebow appeared in a few games in different offensive sets prior to John Fox officially handing him the reins to the Broncos offense on a bye week.

Miracles
Jesus turned water into wine, walked on water, and healed lepers. Post-crucifixion, he rose from the dead and went up to heaven.

In his first game as a starter, Down 15-0 to the winless Miami Dolphins in the 4th Quarter, Tim Tebow threw 2 touchdown passes in the final 2:44 to take the game to OT, where Matt Prater kicked the game winner. Two weeks later, Tebow led the Broncos to a come- from-behind victory over the Kansas City Chiefs, despite completing only 2 passes. The next 2 games were won in similar come-from-behind fashion where all of the media miraculously focused on Tebow’s iffy performance instead of that of the stout Denver Broncos defense. The Broncos are also 5-1 with him as a starter, that’s gotta be some sort of miracle, right? Also, he’s responsible for the “Tebowing” internet photo meme.

Betrayal
Judas turned Jesus in to the Romans and got him crucified.

Jake Plummer criticized Tim Tebow for talking about his faith too much and got him interviewed by Skip Bayless. What a Judas!

Death
The Romans crucified Jesus, which was pretty painful.

Someone’s gotta eventually put 11 in the box against Tebow, right? That might end up being painful for Broncos fans once they realize they don’t have a QB with basic QB traits, such as accuracy and pocket presence.

Resurrection
After Jesus rose from the dead he became the central figure of one of the world’s biggest religions. Also, there was a general post-crucifixion consensus that Jesus was a super great guy.

Tim Tebow will most likely end up being a backup QB for a team in a major media market. When the starting QB goes down, Tebow will come in and lead the team to a win. Everyone will talk about how great a game he had.

Conclusion
So is Tim Tebow the second coming of Jesus Christ? Well, we’d like to give you a definitive yes or no, having viewed all of the evidence. But the fact of the matter is, Tebow hasn’t shown us all of his tricks yet. While the evidence is overwhelmingly in favor of a resounding “yes,” ultimately time will tell.

No More Soup for You!

"Wait? What happened?" - McNabb at least twice a game for 13 seasons

“I still think I could start somewhere,” McNabb told reporters. “Don’t them Canadians have their own little league?”

In Vikings Owner Zygi Wilf’s statement, he stated that McNabb is “the kind of football player who will make you feel like the dome roof collapsed after every snap.” After explaining that he’s put the fans through enough the past several dozens of seasons, Wilf went on to say, “I wish the best of luck to Donovan, who will certainly need it if he’s continues to mentally live in the year 2003.”

Adrian Peterson commented on his feelings about the veteran quarterback, “I’ll miss him like I miss Tavaras Jackson.” Later the star runningback mentioned that “part of me is sad he’s leaving, because play that bad makes me look even better, but part of me is happy because someone who doesn’t complain of chronic back pain will hand the ball off to me.”

This has been the best week of the 2011 season for Vikings fans. Marla Pootin from Rochester explained the feelings of the faithful when she said, “Between another washed up has been QB being cut from our team, and the Jaguars lookin’ like they’re going to be the folks movin’ to Los Angeles… well it’s been special in a real mediocre half-decent Minnesota way!”

Philly: Where McNabb Felt the Best About Himself

Back where it all started, in the city of Brotherly Love, the Super Fan P.H.A.N.A.T.I.C. (Philadelphia Hairy-Ass Native Acting Totally Idiotically Constantly) told the Philadelphia Inquirer that “even though this is the season of booing Santa, we can save jeers for Donovan… if he wants to come back.”

Put the gun down- the NBA Lockout is over! I know- I was worried too, how would we live without watching basketball games intermittently scheduled throughout the week on TNT? “But Blake, the NBA is just a bunch of lazy whiners playing glorified pick-up basketball and making more money than most of us could dream of! Why exactly are you happy it’s back?” you may ask, and foreseeing your query, I compiled this list of eight reasons why I am excited the NBA lockout is over.

1.The GOP Debates where hardly satisfying my desire to see spoiled millionaires squabble.

2. I was getting sick and tired of not watching defense.

3. Charles Barkley. Without the NBA how could he be thrust into the spotlight to say horribly offensive and politically incorrect things?

4. I won 2/5^ths ownership of the Memphis Grizzlies from Kenny Rogers in a poker game and I need those ticket sales like Mark Cuban needs constant attention and validation from the world around him.

5.  Players were threatening to leave the United States go play in China. AS IF THEY DIDN’T STEAL ENOUGH OF OUR JOBS!

6. I pre-ordered 10,000 “Miami Heat: 2012 NBA Championship Runner-Up T-Shirts”.

7.  The hardwood revarnishing industry couldn’t afford to take a hit like this.

8. “We Got Balls!” is my fantasy basketball team name. Anti-trust litigation or not, the biggest crime would be me not getting to use that gem in league play.

Pic courtesy of guysgirl.com

LINK

Meet Thomas Trinkle, a young man who has worn a Colts top every day since 5th grade! Any guesses how many girlfriends he’s had?

Read more about it over at Sportress of Blogitude…

We have no idea what the hell that means, but Terez Owens seems to…

In the wake of the Jason Witten/Melissa Kellerman tackling incident during the Thanksgiving game Thursday, the Cowboys forced Melissa off of twitter so she can no longer discuss the situation. Now they’ve taken it even further and gone ahead and had the mouths of all of their cheerleaders removed entirely.

‘We don’t hire these sluts to talk,’ said Cowboys owner Jerry Jones yesterday. ‘I don’t mind her tweeting herself, as long as it’s in the privacy of her own bedroom, or in the showers with the others. Not out in public where there’s kids around.’

Melissa Kellerman was gagged in Jerry’s basement and could not be reached for comment.

What was that Melissa? You are going to have to repeat that.

Do you agree with the Cowboys’ actions? Let us know. Read more about the situation at the Hollywood Reporter here

Um…

Forte went to UCLA. Ferrell went to USC. The two teams play football against one another this weekend, and the two comedians have started talking some Ricky Bobby-like smack. Read about it over at The Hollywood Reporter.