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Spring Broke: Your Cheap Destination Guide

(Your Guide To Fun, Inexpensive Places To Visit For Spring Breakers On A Budget)

Crime scenes

If you’re living in the type of neighborhood that the average college student can afford, then your part of town probably has several active crime scenes, maybe even next door! The real motivation behind spring break is having a new view outside of your bedroom window, right? Who cares if that window is mostly covered with yellow police tape? And sure, they do say that many criminals do return to the scene of the crime, but why does that have to be a bad thing? It takes at least two to successfully enjoy a game of Twister, after all.


Massage Parlors

Many massage parlors have pretty decent accommodations for their employees. A small bedroom for off hours time, free water, and so on. Maybe cable in the employee lounge (but probably just the basic channels). You’ll more than likely have to work some hours, and give a few handjobs, etc. But what’s a proper vacation without memories of a few new experiences, and meeting a few new people?


A local church

If you don’t mind spending a couple of hours here and there mowing the property, the local church will probably allow you to sleep on the cot in their basement for a week or so. The pastor is a lonely, disillusioned guy who doesn’t get the chance to talk with many people and so will probably try to bend your ear quite a bit. But he drinks himself to sleep at around eight every night, which gives you plenty of time to sneak some of the communion wine and play on your phone in the parking lot (inside the church doesn’t get great reception).


Inside your own imagination

Read a good book! Or maybe even just sit with closed eyes and remember back to a time when you were able to visit a nice vacation spot. What were the sights, sounds, and smells? What activities did your peruse? Did you weep to yourself quite as often? Cast your mind into the vast expanse of your psyche!


A dumpster behind any fast food restaurant

First, the obvious: free food! You might have to fight a raccoon for half a chicken nugget, but isn’t spring break supposed to be comprised of crazy shenanigans of that nature? And even though you might not wake up to the sound of crashing waves and a lovely beachfront view, the sound of the Wendy’s morning crew running the power hose against the side of the dumpster is surely a more than satisfactory plan b. And speaking of plan b, ladies, be sure to keep a few in your pocket; you’re not the only one who thinks that sleeping in the dumpster behind Wendy’s is a tempting idea.


Local mental health facility

College can be a stressful time if you don’t have any friends to talk things out with; if you can, try and time your next nervous breakdown for spring break. Even the admittedly somewhat poorly run state facilities have pretty good drugs (par-teeee!), and there’s a very good chance that you’ll get laid while passed out in the common room. It’s just like a real spring break, except that if you try to leave Cancun early, you won’t get beaten with billy clubs and then given electroshock therapy. Unless you’re hazing, I mean.

 

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Written by Kit Lively

Kit Lively

Ain’t It Cool News said of Kit, “If Gary Larson is Bill Cosby, then Kit is Richard Pryor.” That’s a great quote, right? Man, I love that quote! That was, until Bill Cosby turned out to be a deplorable serial rapist. Now the quote isn’t worth shit, even though my name isn’t linked directly to Cosby’s! Thanks a lot Bill, you jackass. Not only have you ruined dozens of lives with your rapey ways, but you’ve ruined a perfectly good quote as well. I hope you rot in Hell, you scumbag.
Anyway, Kit’s cartoons have been published by lots of humor magazines, etc. etc. yadda yadda. (sigh)….

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