********* (The highest ranking members of the GLC [Gun Lovers Consortium] have approved the following E-mail blast to all dues-paying GLC members.) ********
Dear Valued Member [NAME] of the GLC:
These truly are trying times for firearm enthusiasts. Our very way of life is currently under attack by the majority of American citizens as well as our government. But DO NOT despair! It is our great pleasure to report that gun manufacturers are not only enjoying record-breaking sales, but many prominent firearm producers and retailers are teaming up to unveil a veritable treasure trove of innovative new products and promotional campaigns that are certain to enhance the shooting experience for those of us who love the smell of gun powder and the sight of stuff dying.
For those times when simply killing your target just isn’t enough, the good folks at KillPro Weaponry are proud to introduce the Flesh-Ripper semi-automatic assault rifle. Traditional assault rifles fire standard ammunition. BOR-RING! But the Flesh-Ripper, thanks to its patented flesh-ripping technology, fires miniaturized chainsaws guaranteed (or your money back) to slowly cut, chop, slice, and rend their way completely through your target, optimizing your potential to cause maximum suffering by keeping your target alive long enough to feel every excruciating second of his, her, or its internal organs being sliced to ribbons, liquefied, then passed as a liquid-y discharge through each of their natural orifices (as well as any unnatural orifices created by your pinpoint marksmanship). But that’s just the beginning. The Flesh-Ripper’s easy-to-handle frame is made of lightweight polyvinyl chloride (perfect for kids and beginners!). And all of the Flesh-Ripper’s component parts are collapsible and can be easily configured to resemble a pocket calculator, making it the obvious choice for the gun enthusiast with a passion for travel and limited luggage space. Each purchase comes free of charge with two 50-round magazines, a necklace featuring the beak of an ivory-billed woodpecker, a carrying case made from the hide of a leatherback sea turtle, and a beer koozie rendered from the fat of a Hawaiian monk seal.
If micro-chainsaws don’t do it for ya’, the design geniuses at Crimson Hole Ammunition may get your blood pumping with their latest creation: The Immortalizer. There’s never been a bullet quite like The Immortalizer, a state-of-the-art round engineered with a miniscule high-definition camera located in its core. Each Immortalizer bullet takes a perfect, studio-quality photograph of the face of your target, just as he, she, or it comes to the terrible, horrifying, inescapable realization that they are about to be shot in the face. The Immortalizer is programmed to instantly upload the photograph to your Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat accounts, so you can begin claiming your bragging rights before the now-faceless carcass even hits the ground.
Not to be outdone, the termination experts at Splatter Jockey Weapons & Apparel have officially entered the designer ammunition game with two new creations. The first is a cylindrical bullet that shatters upon piercing the hide of the target, dispersing a chemically enhanced sulfuric acid that slowly—painfully—skeletonizes the body, leaving behind nothing but a pile of bones and a chattering skull. (Utilizing this ammunition to kill a target is referred to as “Jenny Craiging.”) The second is a high-velocity dart containing a behavior-altering neurotoxin that forces the target to strip naked, drive an automobile directly into the nearest body of water, and wait for the icy hands of Death to choke the life out of him, her, or it. (For legal reasons, the GLC officially recommends this particular ammunition be used exclusively for deer hunting.)
This wave of renewed excitement and enthusiasm for firearms is perhaps best exemplified by the countless customer-friendly deals being offered by scores of the most successful gun retail operations in the country. For example, retail giant Sniper’s Delight has joined forces with Papa John’s Pizza for a special offer: Any hunter who kills an animal with a rifle purchased from Sniper’s Delight (and has the receipt to prove it) is entitled to one free pizza topping if he or she can drink a pint of hot blood (drawn directly from the slain animal in the presence of a Papa John’s employee) without vomiting for ten minutes. Also, in an effort to promote safe hunting practices, The Assassin’s Pantry is offering two free shovels and a fifty-pound bag of fertilizer to anyone who purchases hunting equipment totaling more than $500.
So, take heart, fellow gun lovers. The state of our union is strong. The political power of our lobby is strong. Time and history are on our side. At this rate, within ten years, you’ll be able to legally carry guns into your local polling place and vote by shooting holes in your ballot. Take that, hanging chads!
Keep your heads held high and your trigger fingers itchy.
From our cold, dead hands!
Your friends at the GLC.