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Thanks For Your Patreon Payment!

My Good Friend Anthony,

Thanks for sponsoring my creative work!

Your monthly payment helps me to live modestly without a job while pursuing my public bathroom singing career. Because of you, I’ve performed healing songs in over 98 Bojangles’ bathrooms on the East Coast.

As a top tier patron, you’ll receive a collection of slightly used napkins from each Bojangles I visit, signed and dated by your favorite toilet troubadour.

Boy, we’ve both come a long way since that crayon-eating contest in Miss Hitchens class. Now you’re gonna change my life, and together, we’re going to improve the lives of millions through latrine lyrics!

XOXO,
Terra Loo

 

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Dear Anthony:

You’ve already received exclusive unreleased cuts from my sophomore album “Lavatory Love” – Don’t forget to leave a review on iTunes! – but the site has informed me that there is an issue with your billing.

Please log in and update your CC#!

A few minutes of your time and a couple of your dollars will keep me off the street and in comfort station ministry for a few more months.

Peace and Love,
Terra Loo

 

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Anthony :(

I’m sad to inform you that access to your VIP fan-only content has been restricted. You’ve lost out on goodies like:

– Live update screenshots of my open browser tabs at 2 a.m.
– Monthly live-streams distilling life lessons I’ve learned in the water closets of America
– Access to an awesome fan-club experience, the Troubadour Troop Headquarters, our community of john junkies where I share my newest music, videos, and creative projects.

I value and need your support. You’re more than just an alternative to a day job – you’re my bathroom brother.

Don’t Flush Our Relationship,
Terra Loo

 

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Mr. Anthony Carter:

Please know this is an attempt to reconcile a debt. Your account has been placed with us for immediate collection.

We have submitted notice of your default on Ms. Terra Loo’s patron account to all three credit bureaus and posted your profile pic and Twitter handle to our online Patron Offender Registry.

Pursuant to the terms and conditions of your patron contract, a fee of $4200.00 has been applied for terminating your patronage without notice.

We are willing to work with you to settle this debt. Please acknowledge receipt of this letter within five business days. If you fail to respond, we will be compelled to pursue legal action.

Thank you in advance for your prompt attention to this matter.

Patron Management, LLC
(800) YOU-SUCK


 

Written by Keysha Whitaker

Keysha Whitaker

Keysha’s humor writing has recently appeared in The New Yorker’s “Daily Shouts” and McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. She’s also published nonfiction in The New York Times, The Writer, and The Chronicle of Higher Education, among others.

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