The University of Chicago recently garnered a great deal of media attention when a form letter it sent to incoming freshmen became public. Among other things, the school’s Dean of Students let it be known in this letter that the institution would not honor so-called “safe spaces” or “trigger warnings” that have become the standard on modern college campuses in these sensitive times of ours. National Lampoon has acquired a copy of this controversial document and would like to present it now, in full, without further comment:
Well, well, well! What do we have here? Smells like fresh meat to me. Our records indicate that someone just got accepted to the College at the University of Chicago. Ain’t that just the drizzling shits? Well, let me tell you something, Mr. Soon-To-Be College Boy Millennial Piece of Shit. You may not know it, but you just stepped into hell. Now wipe that smug, satisfied grin off your face before I do it for you with a fucking tire iron.
Once on campus, you will discover that your mommies and daddies aren’t here to protect you and wipe your behind every time you soil your drawers. Oh, does that scare you? It should. The survival rate for freshmen at this college is one in seven. That doesn’t mean the other six drop out. That means they end up in the sloppy fucking joes we serve in the cafeteria on Thursdays. Most don’t make it past the “Thunderdome” round during hazing week. Hope you spent the summer getting in shape. Now drop and give me 20 reasons why Obama was a bad president!
We are also proud to employ some of the ugliest, scariest, and downright orneriest professors in all of academia. At last count, we had 37 known murderers on the payroll, plus 15 sex offenders, three defrocked priests, and Ralphus, who just plain doesn’t get along with people. We only let him out of his cage once a week to lecture on Cartesian dualism. Avoid eye contact if you value your eyes.
What’s that? Did I hear someone mention “trigger warnings” and “safe spaces?” You must have us confused with the University of Pussy-vania. We don’t believe in that shit. There are no “safe spaces” on the University of Chicago campus. Not even the john, which is just a big hole we dug behind the Joe and Rika Mansueto Library, where every last book is printed on human skin. Good luck sleeping, freshman. I suggest the one-eye-open method.
I am enclosing a monograph by Dr. David W. Milchard on academic freedom. Study it well. I am also enclosing a human ear. Where did it come from? A person who didn’t read the monograph. I’ve also included some gauze, thread, and a sewing needle. Trust me, you’ll need them.
Welcome to the University of Chicago. This is where you’ll die. Have no doubt of that. I can’t fucking wait until September.