Well, the hoily-days is over, as soon will be our long national nightmare. I’m talking about the break between the end of the fall season and the beginning of the winter one! What did you think I was talking about? Anyway, Drake is fresh back from getting a ton of presents for Christmas, while I mostly got batteries and napkins for my second-rate Jew Days. Miracle of Lights, my ass. Actually, I have no idea if Drake is Christian or not, but he doesn’t know Yiddish, so he ain’t no Chosen. Go back to Gaza, loser! (so that I can murder you with impunity). Hey, Television!:

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They say Washington D.C. is just like Hollywood, but with ugly people.  Allow this unattributed juggernaut of news to fit in with the Zaz’d.  [via Drudge]

And talk about delicious coincidence:  Al Franken, comedian and author who’s made quite a living off of writing and dissecting Coulter’s post-9/11 career, looks to be the winner of the Minnesota senate recount.  Sources say he has a massive boner right now.

One of the newest and hottest comedy shows in L.A., the Filthy Or Show, is this coming up this Thursday at The L.A. Improv and I have tickets to give away for Lampoon readers.  Email win@nationallampoon.com and I’ll give away tickets until we run out. We only have about 30 more seats left…

The line-up is as follows:

Mike Dunphy, Mo Collins, Bret Ernst, Sam Tripoli, Stephen Glickman, and Me (Nadine Rajabi)….plus there maybe a surprise guest you won’t want to miss. 

Now, as a new section on our site, here’s this week’s:

Words of Wisdom (w/ Gerard Depardieu):

“Before killing something, I always talk to it. An animal that’s been caressed before it’s killed dies peacefully, and its muscles don’t contract with adrenalin… If an animal is slaughtered in a stress-free way, it tastes better.”

[Depardieu then turned around and knocked a man over with his boom-like nose.]

WENN Headline of the Week (so far):

“Co-host Wants Jackman to Dance on TV”

(This was a close tie with the WENN headline, “Page Tapped for Lesbian Role”. Also, in reference to a story about Harry Shearer once stealing the Simpsons’ Emmy for Best Animation, WENN wrote: “he took swiped the gong”.)

Also, in more press-stopping news, former female, WWF pro-wrestler, Chyna, was hospitalized recently after, quote, “a dangerous birthday binge drinking session”. Chyna told TMZ.com: “All I really want right now is a hamburger and fries right now.” (No word yet on whether there was a typo in the report or if Chyna actually said “right now” twice during the sentence.)

The new film “Marley & Me” is sweeping through the box-office like a hurricane; and, in order to capitalize on that, producers have started a huge merchandising campaign. Viewers can now purchase a limited edition, “Marley & Me” golden retriever with the film’s name branded onto his side.  [Just send three easy low payments of $59.99 to “Puppy in Package”, courtesy of 1428 N. Elm Street, Italy, Europe.]

I set a goal for my post this week. Here it is:

TRY NOT TO MENTION ALL THE PEOPLE DYING.

I think it’s a good goal (be they military, civilian or celebrity child) and I’m going to attempt to avoid the topic all together. Instead, I choose, rather, to focus on the fact that, for the first time in history, 1 in every 100 American citizens is serving time in prison. So, let’s keep it up, America - when the prison ratio hits 50-50 we all get a free crowbar!

READ ON for more about: Tom Cruise saying WACKY things, the New York Post interviewing Richard Belzer, how ONLY 8,000 people ever tried to eat a 72 ounce steak, a Magazine full of Shit-Heads, Spider-Man: The Musical, the new Oldest Woman in the World, Sweden’s GOOFY sexual habits and special things As-Seen-On-TV!

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Hacked or Cracked? Rick Sanchez’s Twitter account was hacked this morning and he texted in sick.

Who is the hacker? Artie Lange?

State officials confirmed Sunday that former SNL writer Al Franken will be declared winner of his contested Minnesota senate race, which more importantly gives me an excuse to show this picture…

That is all.