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Top Five Tips for Selecting Babies from the Hospital Nursery

Who isn’t an animal lover? Our pets are our best friends, our esprit de corps when we need companionship the most. But adult human life is fraught with distraction and time away from home, and our fury, little friends get neglected. Luckily, you as a responsible and caring pet owner, have decided to select a baby from the hospital nursery to stay home with your pet when you can’t be there. But which baby to choose? Here are the top five tips for selecting just the right one.


 

Remember, this is the baby’s “forever home”

One of the best aspects of the hospital nursery is that they’ll pretty much give a baby to anyone who asks for one. Unfortunately, this creates a situation where there are a lot of baby owners who shouldn’t have them in the first place; they simply haven’t considered the cost and time required to properly care for a human fur baby. So before tapping a nurse on the shoulder, saying you’ve made a decision, ask yourself if you’re really committed to raising something that may outlive your pet by seventy-eight years.


 

Ignore the small, premature babies

Hey, you’re trying to make your life easier, not harder. So why would you select a baby who constantly requires attention? This is the exact opposite reason why you decided to get a baby in the first place. Plus, how fun is it going to be for your cat when its new friend is attached to a ventilator all day? Ignore the small, premature babies at all costs.


 

If there are doting people around it, time is running out!

In the newborn ward, you’ll often see one or two people holding a specific baby, talking to it, kissing it. In these situations, you must move fast! It means these people have selected the baby, but they haven’t finished filling out the paperwork yet. The trick here is to wait for them to leave to fill out the forms, then hurry up and take the baby home. Most states now allow you to mail in the proper documents within one month of randomly taking a baby from the hospital.


 

Pick a baby with hair

Remember, you’re doing this for your pet, so put yourself in its shoes: would you be able to relate to a small, bald creature that can’t even roll off its own stomach without help? You want a baby who looks most like your pet, therefore, having hair is a good starting point.


 

Take your pet to the nursery and let it decide

One of the biggest flaws we have as humans is ego. Thus, sometimes, being responsible means taking ourselves out of the equation. This is why hospitals allow you to bring in your dog or cat to the nursery and let them wander around for hours unsupervised. It’s vital your pet has time to investigate every baby without being interrupted by human intrusion. Remember, we’ve only been on this earth a short time. Animals used to pick out babies long before man even had a conceptual construct for “left.” Nature knows best.

Written by Matt Rotman

Matt Rotman

Matt Rotman is a writer, poet, and comic (in ascending order of his father’s disappointment). His work has been featured in Diabolique Magazine, The New Southerner, Marathon Literary Review, and the anthologies, [Ex]tinguished & [Ex]tinct: An Anthology of Things That No Longer [Ex]ist (Twelve Winters Press) and Puff Puff Prose, Poetry and a Play Vol. II. He lives in San Diego, CA.

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