originals

Trump Delivers Commencement Speech To Liberal Arts College

Hello. Welcome. Can you believe I’m here? Not just as president, but on a campus with such a diverse set of students and ideas. What a crazy concept. 

Now, I know most of you here didn’t vote for me. But, that’s because many of you are from another country. So weird. Don’t visit home for the summer, because I won’t let you come back. Look, I’m just saying. Borders. We need stronger borders. How do we get stronger borders? China. They’ve got a wall. It’s great. A great wall, and a great buffet. Like America will be again. The hats speak for themselves, as Sean Spicer would say.

Listen, can I just say something? Hillary. Does anyone here really think Hillary would’ve had stronger borders than me? No, but at least she went to college, unlike my wife. She’s the First Lady. Can you believe it?

But, folks, listen, that’s why we’re here. College. You all have just finished the greatest accomplishment of your lives. Even those of you who studied the arts or the literatures. You don’t need a degree for that. I wrote a book, and I can’t read. The Art Of The Deal. The greatest American novel in history. Totally fiction. Nobody knows it. Nobody will talk about it.

I recently completed the greatest accomplishment in my life as well. Defeating the presidency. I mean that. They said I couldn’t have it, but I took it. I moved on it like a b–. Well, I can’t say it here. Let’s just say it moved on it like your health care. The presidency is mine, just like this overpriced piece of paper is now your’s. If I went to this school that piece of paper would’ve come in under budget. And by that I just mean I wouldn’t have paid for it, then charged the school for the printing costs in return. Okay, so listen, when I get a piece of paper I sign it. I sign it and big things happen. Scary, right? I know.

But, don’t ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever think you can’t make big things happen too. Nobody, nowhere, never, ever thought I could become president, and here I am, talking to a bunch of people who cried when I did. Wild. 

Some of you out there studied feminism or global cultures or even a foreign language. You all come up with some crazy concepts at colleges like this. I spoke to graduates from one of our military schools and they cheered and cheered and cheered. And, I only paid some of them to do it. You all have no idea what I’m talking about. That’s why you’re not cheering. If only you knew. I created a college once. Nobody will talk about it, unless it’s in a deposition. I hope my journalism majors out there are taking notes. 

Let the record show there was a standing ovation.

Thank you, thank you. Diversity. Schools like this preach the importance of diversity. I couldn’t agree more. That’s why I put Ben Carson in my cabinet. Ben? Where’s Ben at? He’s not here. He’s a doctor, but I’m having him work on houses or something. I don’t know. But I do know Omarosa. And none of you do. That’s why you have to work hard. College is just the first step. You’ve done that. Now go get a job in a totally unrelated field just like I did.

The electoral college. Now that’s a good college. They made me president, and I didn’t even have to graduate. Maybe some of you out there switched your major. People say I used to be Democratic leaning, but now I’m a Republican president with a Republican lead House that thinks most of you in this audience aren’t fit to be citizens. So unfair. Just like how the media treats me on a daily basis. They think I’m a dictator, and maybe they’re right. Look, I’m just saying maybe it’s not a bad idea if I am one. What are we talking about?

Commencement. Wikipedia says commencement means the beginning of something. Some people are saying this is the beginning of the end. Wrong. Impeachment papers haven’t even been drawn up yet. Where are my art majors at? Maybe you can help them draw those. I think there’s lots of charts, maybe? I like a good chart. Pictures are better than reading. That’s why I watch television all day. They read for you. Amazing. Truly amazing.

Let me just say something. Science. Why bother? We’re all going to die soon. And another thing. Somebody just told me about this department at your school. The humanities? Who needs them? Not me, just like press briefings. My presidency is moving at a pace so fast no journalist or body of humans can keep up. Hence the soon death. Isn’t this fascinating? Who knew it was all so complicated? I didn’t. But, I created the concept. Nobody is asking these questions. What are the questions, you ask? Exactly. Keep asking. I won’t answer. Just like your teacher who won’t explain why you got a B+ and not an A-. 

Liberal arts bias. It’s a thing and you’ve all eaten it up for years. Believe me.

Finally, I want to address the cum laude graduates of this institution. You’ve worked very, very, very, very hard to get where you are. You probably have better, a lot better really, grammar and vocabulary than me. But, you’re still no magna. And to the magna graduates, you’re no summa. I asked myself before I came out here, “What are these words?” And I didn’t know. I didn’t have an answer, like much of my presidency. 

This diverse audience I stand before has just finished four years of mingling among a wide array of people from various backgrounds studying things I probably don’t even realize exist. But even after all that, me and my white buddies are still in charge. Did you learn nothing? Maybe I should get a degree. Can I have an honorary degree or what? Wild. So wild.

In closing, make America great again. Maybe you will, because you hate me so much. You’re welcome.

Written by Taylor Sade

Taylor Sade

Taylor Sade is a writer whose work you may have seen on Above Average, College Humor, Distractify, Splitsider, here (of course) and if you have no free time, many other places as well. Follow him on Twitter: @taylorsade

Comments

comments