New trade agreement discussions with Chile (“Mostly because I love those baby back rib things. Delicious.” remarked Trump)
Tube Top Tuesdays every week (“But no fatties.” cautioned Trump)
Secret Service ordered to shoot Alec Baldwin on site.
Illegal Mexican immigrants who are making regular submissions to YouPorn allowed to stay in the country (“After a rough day, hard working Americans love a Latina or two in their porn.” Trump opined).
White House staff no longer allowed to snicker to themselves when Trump walks past (“I heard that. I know it was you.”, Trump commented while pointing a short, stubby finger).
All media ordered to stress the fun, exciting aspects of the Apocalypse, including rebranding the Four Horsemen as cute, lovable, marketable characters (“They’re cuddly and adorable.” observed Trump).
Most of the US military budget applied to the hunting and capture of Bigfoot (“Quite frankly, I’m just tired of his shenanigans.” explained Trump).
Couples who save their child’s placenta and keep it in the freezer to be rounded up and held in Guantanamo for an as-of-yet-undetermined amount of time (“These perverts have had it too good for too long.” an obviously distressed Trump wheezed.)
Olive branch extended to women, in the form of being given the right to vote (“What? They can? Since when?” asked an obviously perplexed Trump).
Immediate government probe into the Fruit By The Foot people (“My last several have seemed to be nine inches at best.” complained Trump)
Shutting down the Make A Wish Foundation, as Vice President Pence claims that wishes are simply “Godless prayers”.
The place in America’s heart vacated by The Ringling Brothers to be replaced by troupe of lactating exotic dancers called Squirt du Soleil.
End years of controversy and potential offensiveness by changing the name of the Washington Redskins to the Washington Pussygrabbers.
Official inquiry into making it legal for a father to marry his daughter (“Don’t misunderstand, it’s not what you think,” Trump hastily explained, “I’m simply trying to help out the vast majority of my voters in American’s rural areas.”)