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Trump News Conference

“We take you live to the White House where President Trump is holding a joint news conference with the Canadian Prime Minister.”

 

“I just finished a very productive meeting with Canadian Prime Minister Justin Bieber. Thanks, Biebs.”

 

Prime Minister Trudeau nods politely and gives his opening statement in both English and French.

 

“Since the Prime Minister has demonstrated his bilingual skills, I’ll do the same,” Trump says. “Before we take questions, Ixnay on Inn-Flay.

 

“Now we’ll take a few questions. First one goes to the Home Shopping Channel.”

 

“Thank you, Mr. President. Can you elaborate on the strength and heroism that your daughter Ivanka has shown in the face of accurate reporting about her failing line of products?”

 

“Excellent question. Ivanka has been the Rosa Parks of shopping in her stand against the evil Nordstrom. The Prime Minister and I discussed ways we can continue our long-time, mutually beneficial trade partnership with Ivanka’s line at the forefront. In fact, here’s today’s featured item:”

 

Kellyanne Conway walks in and models a T-shirt embroidered with “SEE YOU IN COURT!”

 

“Mr. Prime Minister?”

 

“Sacrebleu!”

 

“In order to kill time so we have less time for questions I’d like to thank the Prime Minister for agreeing to investigate the undeniable fact that is in no way delusional on my part that millions of Canadians snuck into the U.S. and voted illegally in Minnesota and cost me that state.”

 

Trudeau uses his index finger to trace a circle around his ear, making the international signal for “he’s crazy.”

 

“Next question goes to the extremely unbiased and tremendously fair reporter from FOX news.”

 

“Thank you, Mr. President. Can you explain to the American people why we should be extremely scared of people who aren’t from Canada, especially bad hombres?”

 

“Yes. Hockey. Now, Mr. Prime Minister, I think it’s time for one of your stooges, uh members of the esteemed Canadian press corps, to ask a question.”

 

“Thank you, Mr. President. CBC News Network.”

 

“Thank you, Mr. Prime Minister. Will you ask Mr. Trump for his reaction to North Korea’s missile launch?”

 

“Unfair. Rigged. Dishonest.”

 

“The missile launch?”

 

“No, the question.”

 

“Thank you, gentlemen.”

 

Written by Les East

Les East

Les East is a nationally renown freelance journalist. He was recently named top sports columnist in the United States by the Society of Professional Journalists and Louisiana Sportswriter of the Year by the National Sportscasters and Sportswriters Association. When he’s not writing about sports — and sometimes when he is — he likes to provide snarky commentary on current events. You can follow him on Facebook and Twitter — @Les_East

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