TRUMPO Phonetic Alphabet

The administration’s defense secretary said Trump may reduce America’s commitment to NATO. If that happens, it will trigger a change to the current NATO phonetic alphabet, [“R as in Roger”] in use for the past sixty years.

The new official TRUMPO phonetic alphabet has leaked:

A as in Anastasia

B as in Buy Ivanka’s Strappy Sandals

C as in See if you can get me a better tee time

D as in D Cup

E as in Emollients Clause, which is something we make everyone sign, prophylactically, before “treatments” at Spa-a-Lago; also accepted/related: Erection

F as in anything but Finasteride, which I do not take and, I’ve heard, reacts terribly with our Clams Taj Mahal Casino and Borscht

G as in Gala; also accepted: Grope, but only eights and higher

H as in How do you like Ivanka? Isn’t she beautiful? Go ahead, touch her, she likes it.

I as in Me

J as in Jew

K as in Klansman, from Scotland, not the other kind, which I’ve never heard of; also accepted: “kite” which I can say because my grandchildren fly kites

L as in Loser, but not just any loser, Hillary, so, L as in Hillary

M as in Mistress, unless Melania is in town, in which case it is “Monica Seles” because they used to play Gulag together in the old country

N as in Fort Knox, a Trump branded TM vault, visit our amazing gift shop; also accepted: Nyet; never accepted: Nordstrom

O as in Oy [h/t Jared]; You know what, Jared, I’m switching it, O as in Oligarchy. Period.

P as in Put it over there with the others; also accepted, preferred: Putin

Q as in QVC

R as in Wrongly accused by the Fake Media

S as in So, So, Very, Very Wrongly

T as in Time to give it up already with the questions; also accepted: Tara, my favorite name for a plantation, not that we secretly play a standing game of Overseeropoly on the Strategy Table in the Situation Room; never accepted: Tinkle

U as in Me; never accepted, which is a shame because I really thought we were friends: Mark CUban, with his commie name and a terrible show and failing sports team

V as in IVanka: “I” plus Vanka

W as in Wizard, the Merlin kind — incidentally, has anybody heard from Doug Henning the so-called master of illusion? Also accepted: World War Three

X as in Marla, who’s doing a terrific job by the way, more and more lately

Y as in Yanni

Z as in Tsar; also accepted: Xavier Cugat; never accepted: Zero, Xanax


Written by Debra A. Klein

Debra A. Klein

A former Washington, DC TV news producer, Debra A. Klein has contributed personal essays and features about places she once never knew existed to: The New York Times, Conde Nast Traveler, National Geographic Traveler, Travel and Leisure, and Newsweek magazines, as well as The Little Brown Reader, 9th Edition and The New York Times Practical Guide to Practically Everything, among other publications. Follow her on Twitter @IWishIHadTyped