originals

Trump/Putin Rom-Coms

Four Elections and An Impeachment

Donald is a brash but sensitive presidential candidate who, deep down, yearns only for love. Over the course of one zany year, Donald is elected, then demands three recounts, and each time, he keeps on running into the enigmatic and alluring Vlad. After his electoral college win and first magical flirtation with Vlad, Donald discovers that he somehow lost the popular vote, big league. He despairs that he will never find love, and wonders whether Vlad was secretly cyber-hacking for someone else all along. In a montage of three recounts which start out optimistically but end in mournful gazes out the window at a climate change-induced downpour, Donald repeatedly fails to win popular love, as Vlad and his malware look on. Just when things seem like they couldn’t get worse, they do: Donald must attend his own impeachment hearings for his and Vlad’s conspiracy to rig the election. Will Vlad and Donald ever realize that what they truly long to conspire on is love?


Alex Jones’ Diary

Meet Alex Jones – a highly emotional but adorably plucky conspiracy theorist, just trying to make it big and find love in some city or other. He is totally preoccupied with losing 10 pounds, convincing the world that America engineered the 9/11 attacks, and chasing after his hunky quasi-boss, Donald. But Donald is spoken for by Vlad, his mercurial Russian puppet-master. In a hilarious series of mix-ups through which Alex ends up reading his secret diary on YouTube, he breaks down in insane sobbing rant over his love for Donald. The crying jag is so crazy it works! Alex doesn’t win Donald’s love, but Donald wins the U.S. presidential election. Now, Donald faces a dilemma: as president, does his devotion lie with Vlad, or with the fascist new dreamboat in town, Steve Bannon? Who will get to pull his strings? Or is he a hand puppet?


While You Were Tweeting

Vlad is a hopelessly misunderstood romantic with a “bad boy” reputation just because he’s a Russian dictator. When he sees Donald from afar, bumbling his way through an American presidential campaign, he is smitten. One day, when Donald’s candidacy seems sure to implode for the 145,000th time, Vlad pushes Donald out of the way of an oncoming scandal and saves his political life. But even though he becomes president Donald goes into a deep coma, and cannot communicate except for tweeting out semi-literate nonsense. As Vlad waits for Donald to recover, he begins spending more time with Donald’s handsome CEO friend, Rex. Soon, Vlad and Rex decide that it is their fate to be together, and besides, now that the Affordable Care Act has been repealed, they can’t afford to keep Donald alive anyway. With America safely ruined, they unplug Donald and run away to Mexico, which is now considered the desirable side of the wall.


Pretty Women

Donald, a successful businessman-turned-presidential candidate, pays several quick-witted, heart-of-gold prostitutes an outlandish sum to urinate on Barack and Michelle Obama’s hotel room bed. None of them fall even a little bit in love with him, and so he and Vladimir Putin destroy America.


How to Lose a Democracy in 10 Days

Vlad is a rakish autocrat who bets his buddies that he could get any American president to do whatever he wants using only extremely incriminating information. Donald is a bored, thrill-seeking presidential candidate who bets his friends he can alienate most of America and still win… and adds a side bet that he can destroy America in just 10 days! Vlad and Donald meet, sparks fly, and America loses its “full democracy” status in less than a week. Sometimes, Donald learns, keeping your promises is the most “thrilling” thing of all!

Written by Jennifer Byrne

Jennifer Byrne

Jennifer Byrne’s writing has been published on The New Yorker Daily Shouts & Murmurs, McSweeney’s.net, The Second City Network, The Hairpin, The Rumpus Funny Women, Cracked.com, and The Huffington Post. Follow on twitter at https://twitter.com/JenniferAByrne

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