Twitter Awards
Welcome to the 1st Annual National Lampoon Twitter Awards! Here at National Lampoon we’ve fallen in love with the Twitter Machine, in no small part because there are so many amazingly funny and talented people on it. Since there are awards for everything else in this God-Forsaken world, we’ve decided there should be awards for Twitter also, and we’ve decided we should be the ones to dole them out because… well, just BECAUSE.
On Thursday, October 6th we had the LIVE SHOW at the Hollywood Improv, it was a great night. Check out the video clips below. We are already planning for next year.
[dewplayer:http://nationallampoon.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/07/212985_SOUNDDOGS__bo.mp3]
HIGHLIGHTS:
Jeffery Ross
Best Celebrity Sniper
Best Hall of Famer: Norm Macdonald
Cosby Sweater Song: I’m In Love With Comedians
Best Under 30K:
You can watch the whole show from Ustream here.
The Winners
Twitter King
@robdelaney: Chinese babies must be like “Fuuuuuck…” when they realize they’re gonna have to learn Chinese. – ***WINNER***
@thesulk: “I’ve got 99 problems and I’m not dealing with any of them.” (Lay-Z)
@danieltosh: he difference between your house smelling like delicious popcorn or burnt ass is around 24 seconds
@pattonoswalt: Hope when I turn 60 I can think, quietly, “My wife is being born somewhere.” #hefner
Twitter Queen
@kellyoxford: Web MD is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book where the ending is always cancer.
***WINNER***
@jennyjohnsonhi5: Watching Hugh Hefner have sex must be like watching someone try to puncture a Capri Sun pouch with an earthworm.
@slashleen:Named my vibrator “Linkin Park” because it’s big and metal and made for pussies.
@sarahksilverman:I feel pretty lucky. Thousands of people die every day and it’s never me.
@meganamram: “Right.” – Fred
Political Humorist
@johnfugelsang: Willie Nelson Arrested in Texas for 6 oz of Cannabis. God, Who Produces It Naturally Across Globe, Still At Large.
@pourmecoffee: All I’m saying is if you’re locked in struggle with your nemesis Levi Johnston, maybe you aren’t ready to lead the nation.
@borowitzreport: Sarah Palin being sworn in as President would be a great last scene in a Planet of the Apes remake.
@sethmeyers21: If the Internet goes out is there a central location in New York for us to drop off handwritten tweets?
@theonion: Obama Turns 50 Despite Republican Oppositionhttp://onion.com/qmRoss
***WINNER***
Sports Humorist
@SklarBrothers: Dennis Rodman is having his jersey retired. Is it gonna be a Pistons jersey, a Bulls jersey or an Ed Hardy shirt?***WINNER***
@sethmeyers21: According to YES, not only was Jeter’s 3000th hit a HR, it also knocked out a man who had just stolen an old woman’s purse.
@jaymohr37: To get rid of crabs, shave 1 ball bald. Then light hairy 1 on fire. When crabs run over to the bald 1 for safety, stab them with an ice pick
@sportsguy33: My son just told my wife, “Girls like boys who play music or football, or, if they’re Spiderman.” My work is done here.
@Justin_Stangel: Tiger Woods press conference today- Rules are no multiple cameras, no questions and no fat chicks
BEST UNDER 40K
@DearAnyone: “Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Shorts***WINNER***
@JuliusSharpe@JuliusSharpe: Thanks but I don’t need help in your store or any other store. I’ve been in a ton of stores. I know how they work.
@JohnFugelsang: Reminds GOP that Obama’s not a radical brown-skinned antiwar socialist giving away free healthcare. You’re thinking of Jesus.
BEST UNDER 30K
@damienfahey: Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
@dannyzuker: Actual phone call: Vet: “Your dog is fine. She just has an irritated vagina.” Me: “Should I get tested?” Silence.
@eddiepepitone: my shrink committed suicide! Yes! i win!
@mrsrupertpupkin: My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
***WINNER***
@dadboner: Relationships are tough. But when you find a special gal, you gotta just drag it out even if neither of you are happy. That’s what love is.
BEST UNDER 30K
@clarkekant: Walking my dog is like flying a retarded kite.***WINNER***
@bazecraze: Mom asked me today how to sign up for Twitter. So I told her it was $12.99 a month. Crisis averted.
@yoyoha: Leaving a cup of water next to a plant then letting it die shows the rest of the plants in the house I’m not about to put up with their shit
@conanobrienswyf: My couch has gotten so much ass today.
@filthyrichmond: It was wise to take a cab home last night, but foolish to forget that my kids were waiting for me outside of the bar in our minivan
BEST UNDER 30K
@thebosha: Don’t worry, the right someone is out there for everyone. You’ll probably never find them, or fuck it up when you do, but they’re out there.
@ty_schutz: I gave my plant Evian water this morning and now it does yoga and judges me.
@RobinMcCauley: SO YOU THINK YOU CAN FLY A PLANE would be a fun show***WINNER***
@theNuzzy: i’m starting to believe it’s butter.
@nickadooLA: I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
@shawnries: Probably 98% of human history would have never happened if showing off for girls wasn’t a thing.
@adampally: Look, The Beatles are The Beatles, but they didn’t write No Diggity.
@stevenamiri: If you go see Green Lantern, make sure you stay after the credits to take a shit in the theater.
BEST DEITY
@Jesus_M_Christ: Sorry about the hurricane everyone. But if you continue to make episodes of Jersey Shore this is going to keep happening.
***WINNER***
@KFUCKINGP: If you’re not wasted, the fucking day is.
@dalailama: I am convinced that everyone can develop a good heart and a sense of universal responsibility with or without religion.
MOST INANE
@sn00ki: So hottttt in vegas whew!
@kimkardashian: ok i didn’t eat the mint oreos, when i got to the kitchen i fought the craving & had an orange!
***WINNER***
@heidimontag: Crying
@chrisbrown:For anyone I’ve ever hurt,cursed out, yelled at, been rude too!! I sincerely apologize!! Life is beautiful and we are Beautiful People
@sarahpalinusa
: What would America do w/out Fox News?I’m so thankful for the opportunity to work w/team committed to fair&balanced reporting.Please join us!
MOST INSANE
@charliesheen: #WINNING
***WINNER***
@the_ironsheik: i throw the osama in fucking river, make the shark eat his dick and balls.then i kill hulk hogan fuck his ass make him humble
@Josecanseco: I can’t stop crying
MOST OFFENSIVE MALE
@fatjew: Hey rappers on twitter, saying “LOL” in every tweet is about as gangster as two dolphins sitting on a rainbow tongue kissing
@paulypeligroso: So a homophobe, a rapist, and a black guy walk into a bar, and everyone’s like “Can I have your autograph, Kobe?”
@anthonyjeselnik: I’ve spent two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer. But no one will do it.
@yuckybot: I love to put a basketball under my shirt in front of the abortion protesters then walk out of the clinic without it holding a lollipop.
@the_ironsheik: justin bieber is man with pussy he cannot drive car that has the big balls like sheikie baby. fuck the ultimate warrior cocksucker
@YourFavWhiteGuy:: You’re sad? Here’s a tissue. By the way, I came into that tissue. Oh you’re mad? Well at least you’re not sad anymore, pussy.
***WINNER***
MOST OFFENSIVE FEMALE
@jennyjohnsonhi5: Hey guys, hit on the girl wearing white shorts. She’s not on her period. You’re welcome. – ***WINNER***
@meganamram: People who use “gay” as an insult are retarded
@Lisafarted: For the record, enjoying sex does not make you a whore. Enjoying facebook makes you a whore.
@ronniewk: If it wasn’t for walks of shame, I’d never get any exercise.
@LisaLampanelli: Porn stash found in Bin Laden hideout. Well, that explains the jizz-rag on his head!
@missmircea: I have no control over being cheated on. But I do have a knife.
BEST TALK SHOW HOST
@conanobrien: WARNING: This tweet is not for younger readers! OK, here we go. Tits.
***WINNER***
@jimmyfallon: Thank you Halloween for giving sluts a day where they can just blend in with the rest of the girls. #Halloween
@craigyferg: Can I say fuck on this thing?
@jimmykimmel: “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” could also be titled “I Wrongly Believed My Mother to Be a Cheating Whore”
@stephenathome: Say no to drugs. Although if you’re talking to drugs you may already be on drugs.
@howardstern: I often think about how my career might have taken off if I’d only gotten that job at wblm in Maine.
BEST HALL OF FAMER
@stevemartintogo: OMG. President Lincoln has been shot! Wait, whoa, my internet connection is SUH-LOW.
@albertbrooks: I installed a stripper pole outside my house. Haven’t caught one yet.
@alecbaldwin: How many friggin’ times I gotta say it? 27. She’s 27. Jeez.
@alyankovic: BTW, Christina Aguilera, nice job at the Super Bowl, but changing the words to songs is MY gig.
@normmacdonald: RIP Amy Winehouse. We lost a true heroin addict today.
***WINNER***
BEST NEWCOMER
@jerryseinfeld: All your facial features are on the lower bottom half of your head. Disturbing.
@TheLewisBlack: I am in tiny airport losing my mind and still can’t believe I am going to do this twitter shit
***WINNER***
MOST LIKELY TO TWEET THEIR SUICIDE NOTE
@eddiepepitone: I tell small children- ” soon you will realize there is no god and adults are kept together by pills”.
***WINNER***
@BarackObama: Yes we can.
@lindsaylohan: Today is the first day of the rest of my life “The future depends on what we do in the present.” -Mahatma Gandhi… One step at a time….
BEST COMPANY FEED
@comedycentral: “Unless my math is wrong, if you’re 71% black, that means you’re 29% Not Guilty.” – Larry King @kingsthings #TrumpRoast
@nationallampoon: How dark you let it get before you take your sunglasses off is directly proportional to how dark your soul is.
@collegehumor: 2012: get rich or die mayan
@funnyordie: Girls who wear words on their ass probably don’t have books on their shelves.
***WINNER***
@theonion: BREAKING: ‘I’m Still In Charge Of Libya,’ Mumbles Qaddafi From Inside Compound’s Air Vent
BEST STAND-UP COMEDIAN
@jimgaffigan: Boy, when they legalize pot there’s gonna be the exact same people smoking pot.
@chrisrock: if anybody knows of a radio station in new york that goes at least 12 minutes without playing Drake please let me know
@sarahksilverman: I changed a baby’s diaper today and she had a totally shaved vagina. What a country!
***WINNER***
@KevinMcCaff: “For the most part, nothing is really happening. But that’s no reason to stop panicking!” – News
@nickthune: Follow Friday: Your heart.
@hannibalburess: I can gage how white of a city I’m in by if the Macy’s has a Sean John section or not.
BEST CELEBRITY SNIPER
@realjeffreyross: You spelled ‘abortion’ wrong. RT @Sn00ki Taken care of some bissnasss 
***WINNER***
@jennyjohnsonhi5: You know what IS true? Ray J went pee pee on you. RT @KimKardashian: Rumors of a 2nd wedding in NY. This is NOT true!!
@elibraden: ME TOO!! ITS LIKE WHEN YOUR DAD HELPED GET O.J. OFF!! RT @KimKardashian: WHAT!!??!! CASEY ANTHONY NOT GUILTY!!!! I’m speechless!!!
BEST ATHLETE
@ochocinco: 513-235-8585
@josecanseco: Roses are red violets are blue I heard your voice and got all depressed to
@miketyson: I was a real weird dude back then but I’m cool now.
***WINNER***
@Shaq: da president wants u 2 get fit so he calld on me shaqretary of state 2 help
@brianwilson38: Chuck Norris was born on this day, the birth of his beard was 2 days prior. #HappyBdayCHUCKNORRIS
BEST DIRECTOR
@jon_favreau: I don’t believe it. Iron Man 2 is trending higher than Justin Bieber. Dreams really do come true!
@juddapatow: I have to consider whether I would hire a babysitter I met on twitter. Sounds like the opening scene in an Eli Roth film.
@sethmacfarlane: Didn’t support the troops, saw a bumper sticker, now do.
***WINNER***
@thatkevinsmith: Heads up to all ‘tween girl Tweeters who’ve added me ’cause of TWILIGHT talk: I Tweet about anal with my wife alot. And it never “shimmers”.
BEST ACTOR
@jimcarrey: People often ask me if i’m being funny or serious. The answer is “YES”.
@robhuebel: Saw fat, little girl on playground playing teatherball by herself. Made me so sad. Stopped car, joined in her game…and smoked her 15-0.
@rainnwilson: Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’ Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
@galifianakisz: ZACH GALIFIANAKIS is HOSTING Saturday Night Live on March 6
@robcorddry: Pornstars! Want to know your real name? Take the 1st name on your birth certificate and add it to your dad’s last name! I’m “Rob Corddry”!
@willsasso: WILL’S MAN TIP 59. If you have an ear piercing wide enough to stick a dick through it, someone should stick their dick through it.
***WINNER***
BEST ACTRESS
@sullivannicole: Why does every bike rider have to dress like he’s Lance Armstrong? Are you trying to shave seconds off your time to Starbucks?
@sarahksilverman: What WOULDN’T Jesus do. Am I right??
***WINNER***
BEST GAY
@georgetakei:TN bill will prevent teachers from using the word “gay” in class. In response, I’m lending them my name: “It’s okay to be Takei.”
@andydick: The doctor asked me for a urine, hair, stool, blood, and semen sample, so i gave him the underwear i was wearing.
@nickadooLA: Homophobia is nothing more than a fear of guys who desperately want to do what you bitch about your girlfriends refusing to do.
@jackmackenroth: Homeless guy just called me a “fag”. I politely mentioned to him that “at least I have a very well decorated home.”
***WINNER***
BEST RICH GUY
@billgates: “Hello World.” Hard at work on my foundation letter – publishing on 1/25.
@mcuban: this will sound weird. Im laying in bed. with the trophy next me.#dreamcometrue
***WINNER***
@realdonaldtrump: China is a threat to America. They are not our friend.
BEST PARENT
@dannyzuker: It’s hard to imagine that one day my little girls will be married with families of their own. Especially the fat one.
***WINNER***
@kellyoxford: Toddlers & Tiaras is a prequel to 16 And Pregnant.
@clarkekant: Santa loves the rich kids more.
BEST FAKE FEED
@lifecoachers: If at first you don’t succeed, eh whatever. What’s for lunch?
@Jesus_M_Christ: Remember I died for your sins. So if you don’t sin, I died for nothing.
@TheBillWalton: As the supposed King of Miami, tonight Lebron was less Tony Montana and more Hannah Montana.
***WINNER***
@PimpBillClinton: I bet all of George Bush’s passwords are ‘password.’
PERSON YOU WOULD MOST LIKE TO SEE JOIN TWITTER
@LarryDavid: I learned the first night that IHOP’s not the place to order fish. – ***WINNER***
@AdamSandler: Of course you may remember me from Saturday Night Live … that is right, I am the great Jimmy Fallon.
@KimJong-Il: Remember when I named that missile Taep-O-Dong? Come on guys, gimme some credit. Shit was hilarious.
@CaseyAnthony: Fuck yea I did it. Double jeopardy, bitches! LOL. 
Animation: Rick Perry (actual audio)
Creepiest Online Dating Profile Ever?
FDA Approves Putting Picture Of Trish On Cigarette Packs
Greece Offers to Repay Bailout with Giant Horse
He Said / She Said: The 13 Worst Places To Have Sex
High School Homecoming Playlists