Adak, Alaska has the pleasant distinction of being home to the last polling place to close in the United States, thereby becoming the official resting place of this unholy shambling corpse of a campaign season. But judging by the sheer volume of October surprises – Access Hollywood tapes! FBI meddling! Ken Bone! – anything can still happen between now and 8pm Hawaii-Aleutian Standard Time tomorrow.
After consulting the National Lampoon Magic 7-Ball (damn budget cuts!), here’s a list of upcoming November surprises. SPOILER ALERT!
An amateur video surfaces of a very tipsy Donald Trump climbing up on stage near the end of a performance of “Romeo & Juliet” in New York City’s Central Park. After the scene where Romeo is exiled, Donald, somehow mistaking one of the most famous plays in history for reality, stumbles on stage and begins to proposition the newly single Juliet. “Forget about that loser,” he slurs as he swoops in for a kiss. The actress playing Juliet tries her best to fend him away while at the same time explaining that her character is 14. “Fourteen? Maybe in Verona, but where I come from, you’re a six. TOPS.”
EFFECT ON ELECTION: Most of Trump’s base is unfazed by the video of Trump sexually assaulting a literary character because they feel the Trump in that video is not really the Trump of today; after all, it was filmed 15 – maybe even 20 – days ago. He’s changed a lot since then.
Looking to pull off the coup of a lifetime by winning Texas, Hillary Clinton pledges to kiss every baby in Plano. During the infant smooching orgy, one of the youngsters starts sneezing. “That’s odd, he’s only allergic to ferrets.” A nervous looking Clinton immediately cancels the event.
EFFECT ON ELECTION: It was too late, the cat is out of the bag, and it turns out this cat is long and rodenty. The press was on top of her like a Black Sable sinking its teeth into a newborn mouse – does Hillary Clinton own a ferret? Sure, there’s nothing illegal about owning a ferret, but too many people know someone that does own a ferret and are totally aware that, boy, is that person weird. Plus, if she’s hiding this, what else could she be hiding? A pet bird? Maybe she’s one of those people that doesn’t own a TV? Poll numbers begin to tumble.
The Washington Post publishes an open letter signed by 95 retired generals and admirals describing how Donald Trump has personally pick-pocketed each one of them and several of their family members. Some excerpts from that letter: “Whether a wallet, a watch, or just loose change, no serviceman is safe from his tiny, sticky hands.” “He’s not even very good at it. One time I caught him with his hand still literally in my pocket. He just shouted ‘Wrong’ a lot and scampered away” “All I know is before Trump showed up, my daughter had play jewelry, and after he left it was gone…It’s not even worth anything, I honestly think he just gets off on stealing.”
EFFECT ON ELECTION: Trump was ready for this one. Knowing this might come up, weeks ago he set out to make his own open letter signed by 95 servicemen asserting he’s never stolen from them. That task was easier said than done. So much so that Donald eventually gave up on trying to find people he didn’t steal from and just started making up names. He started with regular names like “Bill Withers” and “Thomas Michaels” but soon that well ran dry. Then, more and more conspicuous names started popping up, people like “Harvey Grenade” “Dave Admiral” “Admiral General” “General Air Force General” “Johnny McSoldierboy” “Alex Uniform” “Mr. Gun”. Before long he got bored with that too and just decided to fill the rest of the space by writing “Jeff Armyman” sixty times. Of course, no one checked or tried to contact these people because where’s the fun in that? So in the end both lists canceled each other out.
Hillary, desperate to regain voters, invites Anderson Cooper into her home for a special live interview that involves a tour of her supposedly ferret-free house. “I was visiting a friend that owned one of those little monsters and got its fur on me,” she said, convincing absolutely no one. How easy would it be for her to hide any trace of a ferret before Cooper got there? If anything, this just proves how good she is at covering her trail. Besides, on the off-chance she’s telling the truth, just knowing a friend with a ferret is pretty damning by itself. But exotic pets would prove to be the least of her worries when Anderson makes a shocking discovery in her bathroom: the Clintons’ toilet paper hangs under the roll.
EFFECT ON ELECTION: Who are these people? What planet are they from? Liberal pundits try to spin this like a significant portion of Americans hang their toilet paper under the roll, but no. Simply no. Trump goes to town on this new development. “She mishandles TP just like she mishandled TPP.” Experts start to wonder how visiting foreign leaders would interpret the bizarre roll placement while visiting the White House – will they think she is mentally unstable, or simply take it as a sign of weakness and immediately invade our country?
During a last minute campaign stop in Boulder, Colorado, an extraordinarily stiff breeze blows open Donald Trump’s trench coat, revealing he’s actually two little people stacked on top of each other. Suddenly, Newt Gingrich’s “big Trump, little Trump” metaphors make a lot more sense.
EFFECT ON ELECTION: Of course, this raises all sorts of questions. Has he always been two people stacked on top of each other? We, as a nation, surely would have noticed that, right? Democrats (and even some in his own party) immediately call for Trump to drop out of the race. Two people can’t become president…or can they? Broad interpretation law scholars argue there is nothing in the Constitution that explicitly prevents two people from being president at the same time. The press dubs this “The Air Bud Defense” and gives him a pass. “Trump” buttons his trench coat and his campaign rolls on undeterred.
Later, while trying to put nail down Arizona, “Trump” talks to a crowd outside one of his luxury hotels in Mesa. During one of his tirades about teleprompters, Archie – the legs of the operation – starts complaining about how hot it is. At first, Rodney – the face – tells him to pipe down, but the whining continues and becomes distracting. “Fine, I’ll take the damn thing off! They know already anyway,” he shouts as he unbuttons the trench coat and throws it to the ground, but it’s too late. The heat has gotten to Archie, who is clearly very hungover. He teeters and totters before getting sick on stage. In the puddle of vomit sits several tied up condoms full of heroin.
EFFECT ON ELECTION: At first, this seems like a clear cut case of felony possession of a controlled substance. Indeed, police at the rally begin to make their way to the stage by the time Archie composes himself, declares he can’t go back to prison, and disappears into the crowd. Ever the charmer, Rodney gets the situation under control. “Here’s the thing: Hillary’s been running the government for 30 years. If she doesn’t want me smuggling drugs across the border in my stomach, why hasn’t she ever stopped me?” It’s a powerful argument that quickly turns this straight-up arrest-able offense into a stinging indictment of his (their) opponent. Everyone forgets about the skag and his (their) poll numbers climb to new highs.
Looking to turn Monday’s losses around and put “Bathghazi” (or for UK readers, Whitewater Closet) to rest once and for all, the Clinton campaign hosts an election day Hail Mary publicity stunt. With hundreds of reporters and onlookers gathered at Main Street in Little Rock, Arkansas, Hillary unveils a twelve foot wide by ten foot tall roll of toilet paper lying on its side. “We’ve run a great campaign, and today I’m going to prove that I’m still on a roll. Literally!” As she is helped up a ladder to mount the enormous bathroom tissue, an aide explains that the 69-year-old former Secretary of State will do sort of a log roll atop the toilet paper down Main Street to Brady Elementary School where she will cast her vote this election.
EFFECT ON ELECTION: The log roll goes off without a hitch, but when she arrives at the school she realizes she forgot her ID. She pleads with the poll worker, but no dice. Hillary ends up losing the popular vote by a single ballot. Fortunately, she wins the electoral college in a landslide because please, please, please God she just has to.