Subject: Welcome To The Team!
Welcome to the Fizz Family! You’re just going to LOVE it here. With the recent restructuring of the department, they have “phased out” my position but it sounds like you’ll be doing the exact same job with a higher salary and better title. So, Miss Senior Vice President In Charge Of Domestic Content Development Abroad, I thought I’d leave you a few pointers to make sure you start off on the right foot! Television may be glamorous, but we both know there are going to be some stressful days and late nights. So, let’s find you a safe place to cry, shall we?
Option 1: The Bathroom. So, this one’s kind of obvi (obvious), but I don’t want to overwhelm you since that will happen soon enough on its own! I’d suggest the third one on the left for your crying stall. It’s got the wall on one side, which muffles the sound nicely, and the handicapped rail to steady yourself as the crippling self-doubt inevitably takes hold. (I hope you like misogyny… otherwise Mark’s weekly status meetings will be a bummer!)
Option 2: The Fourth Floor Break Room. They have great snacks up there. And bagels on Fridays! No idea about the crying climate. Just wanted to mention the bagels! Marci in HR tipped me off. She also said you’re fresh out of grad school. I sure hope that MFA is absorbent! Because of all the crying! HA! Just a little joke between friends.*
Option 3: The Janitor Supply Closet (But Not On Tuesdays). Ask Stephanie in Branding to show you Billy’s supply closet. He’s our janitor and he is not as scary as he looks! Billy doesn’t mind if you hole up in here to sob. Just leave him enough bleach so the man can still do his job! Word of warning: this place is strictly off limits on Tuesdays. It’s a long story but let’s just say that everyone’s marriage is different and who am I to judge?
Option 4: The Emergency Stairwell Behind Christine’s Office. This one is super convenient, since Christine will make you cry more than anyone else now that Daniel’s gone. I think her anger exists because she’s unqualified, rose quickly and uses her own insecurities to beat you down when an ounce of talent or ability is displayed on your part, but what do I know? Feel free to use the Kleenex stuffed behind the red pipe – Stephanie is pretty reliable when it comes to keeping it stocked. Sometimes she’ll even leave you a note and a Kind Bar if she knows you’re getting pounded that day. Stephanie always knows when you’re getting pounded!
Option 5: Your Car. Haha, just kidding! You’ll never make it that far in time.
But that’s okay! You have SO many options now. And if you have any questions at all, just ask Stephanie. She’s ALWAYS here! Plus, now you know where to find her when you can’t find her!
We really are all about building each other up here! Except for Christine. Or Mark. Or Jonathan, Matt, Girl Alex, Ashlee, Marshall, Steven, Brielle or Blonde Sami.
You’re just going to love it.