Didn’t bite anyone.
(on-stage at least; and even Reagan took a nibble or two out of backstage lackeys prior to his debate with Mondale)
Didn’t use his fecal matter to draw a swastika on the front of his podium.
(I lost twenty bucks on that one)
Was close enough to Clinton to honk her boob, but didn’t.
Provided a clear, concise, well thought-out overview of the problems facing our nation.
(Ha! Psyche! Just checking to see if you were paying attention.)
Despite his threats, did not leave genitals exposed during debate.
(editor’s note: our fact checkers tell us that this actually is untrue; the genitals were indeed exposed, but cameras were unable to pick them up successfully)
Didn’t trip on stage.
(tripping over own idiotic words doesn’t count in this context)
Let Hillary win the debate on purpose, as in his heart of hearts, he’s a chivalrous, decent guy.
Brought enough Skittles for everyone.