White House Easter Egg Roll Briefing

This is the Special East Wing Briefing For The White House Easter Egg Roll. If you’re here for the daily eye rolling, you want the West Wing Press Briefing.

As you know, The President doesn’t like to hear talk about anything “going downhill,” or “wild hare,” but he has reluctantly agreed to host the annual White House Lawn Easter Festivities since the Passover Seders went so well. He’d like to convey the following:

He is the Egg Man.

He’s going to build a wall and Humpty Dumpty is going to sit on it.

There’s no truth to the rumor that we’re banning brown eggs. We’re welcoming all kinds of eggs, not just whites.

This year’s Opening Ceremony will be overseen by the nominee for Secretary of Agriculture, Sonny Perdue, not Orrin Hatch, as erroneously reported. And no, the President’s good friend Jeffrey Epstein will not be participating, even though he knows a thing or two about getting laid.

Secretary Steven “Munchin'” will not oversee catering, as reported, that’s a typo and the intern who made that mistake has been booked on a United Airlines flight to Kentucky.

Speaking of “Louisville Sluggers,” we’re pleased to announce we’ve found a last minute catering sponsor for the event and we’ll be featuring Fresh Express’s latest Spring Mixes: “Farmer’s Garden and Whatever Falls From the Rafters” Salad and “Turkey, Bacon and Possibly Bat” Crunchable Mix.

Twitter executives were supposed to oversee the egg on spoon races, but they’ve dropped out.

We want to make it clear, we’ve never seen a Fabergé egg, Ivanka was not hatched from a Fabergé egg and no, the President did not discuss having a sibling for Tiffany who he planned on naming Fabergé. And related, Mrs. Trump and the Back-Up Butler for Shiny Shoes will not be hosting a secret teen BYOPS [Bring Your Own Pearl Spoon] Beluga Caviar Roll for sophisticated middle schoolers at Trump Tower, using the 56th Street entrance, code word
“Svetlana,” Attire: ‘Tween Business Casual.

We have, however, recently been made aware of the health news that egg consumption boosts immunity which is why, yes, we strongly urge participation by all senior staff.

In the spirit of bipartisanship, the Egg Hunt will be led by Don, Jr. and Eric and Joe Biden’s son, Hunter, but we did not say, as has been reported, “We thought he’d be good for the job because we all know how much he likes chicks.”

We’re all bringing traditional Easter holiday foods. The Trumps are bringing Scotched eggs to reflect their Scottish heritage. Steve Bannon is making Deviled Eggs because, well, you know and Stephen Miller is picking up egg rolls from Hunan Palace.

In addition to Senator Cotton as the Easter bunny, Mike Huckabee will be dressed up as Foghorn Leghorn. But the Freedom Caucus will not be coming as chickens. Either Nancy Pelosi will be Henny Penny or Chuck Schumer will be Chicken Little, but FOX thinks having both for dinner would be overkill.

Rex Tillerson will be dressed as his favorite Minion character, but children are not permitted to look him in the eye.

But no, Senator Boozman will not be serving craft cocktails in the Dow Chemical Pavilion.

The President will spend his day in The Petting Zoo reading excerpts from his favorite book that he’s almost finished, “Pat the Bunny,” then stroll the grounds playing, “duck, duck, Goose!” and surprising women with “peeps.”

To counter the notion that we’re somehow waging a war on women, Vice President Pence wants to make it clear that Mothers who attend can do whatever they want with their eggs. As long as they don’t serve them at dinner to men who aren’t their husbands.

To honor the President’s childhood home, and rabbits’ natural habitats, we’ll have a special closing presentation from a representative of the Borough of Queens.

Departing guests will receive souvenir anonymously donated “Petrov Cotton Tail Surveillance Kit,” with patented “Bugs” BunnyEars. The first twenty guests will also receive microwaves and other appliances ripped from the walls of the First Family’s residence.

Once all the hard boiled eggs have been found, we’re going to peel and replace them. Senator Grassley will assist.

Note to Press: The pool reporter will be Candy Crowley, as in previous years, and not Rep. Marcia Fudge, as reported.

Written by Debra A. Klein

Debra A. Klein

A former Washington, DC TV news producer, Debra A. Klein has contributed personal essays and features about places she once never knew existed to: The New York Times, Conde Nast Traveler, National Geographic Traveler, Travel and Leisure, and Newsweek magazines, as well as The Little Brown Reader, 9th Edition and The New York Times Practical Guide to Practically Everything, among other publications. Follow her on Twitter @IWishIHadTyped