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Whoops! Trump Was Caught Trying To Make Sense Of The Bill Of Rights

“…either elect more Republican Senators in 2018 or change the rules now to 51%. Our country needs a good ‘shutdown.’” – Donald Trump, May 2, 2017


Yep, like a kid learning to play cards for the first time in order to ensure they win, the President likes to make up the rules as he goes. Yet, unlike deceitful children, the apparent spokesman for Florida’s Natural orange juice, Donnie-boy rarely finds himself as a winner.

Many Americans were concerned freedoms would be taken away from those around the nation as the walking hair piece swooped his way into office like the gaudy flow of his mane. And in an unprecedented showering of golden leakage from inside the shared office space between Trump, Steve Bannon, Jared Kushner, Ivanka and yet somehow never Melania which is known as the Oval Office, we’ve obtained Trump’s translation of said rights.

The First Amendment (Freedom of religion, speech, press, assembly, and petition)

Trump translation: “Okay, so this is all the stuff I hate, unless it’s in my favor. Fox News, people I hire to clap and cheer at my press conferences, those frog memes on Twitter: all fantastic organizations, believe me. Paid protestors are the least of my concern, though it’s good for the economy. Look, what I think this is saying is that I put people back to work with the first amendment. You’re welcome.”

The Second Amendment (Right to keep and bear arms)

Trump translation: “Oh, yes, this one is my reelection secret weapon. No pun intended, although if you laughed, I understand. I’m funny, believe me. So what’s this? It’s about guns. Not bears. Unless a bear is in your school. Then, talk to Betsy Devos. She’s fantastic. Anyhow, I believe this also covers if you want to wear sleeveless shirts and point at your biceps.”

The Third Amendment (No quartering of soldiers)

Trump translation: “Listen, our military is bigly and I’d love for them to stay at a Trump hotel whenever they please–paid for by our middle class taxpayers. This isn’t a conflict of interest, believe me. If it were, I’d tell you. See how easy this is? Next!”

The Fourth Amendment (Freedom from unreasonable searches and seizures)

Trump translation: “Right, this is the one where we promise that we won’t bug ya unless you look like a quote unquote bad dude and/or hombre. This is totally fair, believe me, I’ve seen them and it’s easy to spot them. They all voted for Hillary, or live in a nation that doesn’t have a Trump hotel. Wake up, America.”

The Fifth Amendment (Right to due process of law, freedom from self-incrimination, double jeopardy)

Trump translation: “It’s the lightning round at the end of Jeopardy!, right? No, no, no wait. It’s the thing people plead on crime shows all the time. I love it! Classic move. Don’t know how it helps, but Donnie likes it when there’s a twist in the plot, so I’m keeping this one.”

The Sixth Amendment (Rights of accused persons, e.g., right to a speedy and public trial)

Trump translation: “Oh, that’s the one law that got me out of a bunch of nasty situations (with nasty women mostly) before they escalated into a nightmare–like my presidency. Trump University settlement was essentially a victory on my part, believe me. This is a good law. Fantastic, really.”

The Seventh Amendment (Right of trial by jury in civil cases)

Trump translation: “My favorite, yes, this is the kind of cases you see on Judge Judy. Now that’s great television. Those are real court cases, believe me. If they weren’t real, they wouldn’t be on television. I’ve launched an investigation into the FCC just to be sure. And, I should know. I watch a lot of television. In fact, when I got here, they showed me a video of how a bill becomes a law. Has anybody else seen this? Let me tell you, it’s got a fantastic piece of paper singing on the steps of the capitol. Who comes up with this stuff? I want them to replace that spicy guy who talks on my behalf. He’s a weak ‘dude.’ Women portray him on the TV. He’s no good.”

The Eighth Amendment (Freedom from excessive bail, cruel and unusual punishments)

Trump translation: “Let me tell you, torture works, people, and we’re gunna use it in a big way. It’s a wonderful tool implemented by some people I think you’re going to be really impressed with, believe me.”

The Ninth Amendment (Other rights of the people)

Trump translation: “Love this amendment. It’s fantastic. This is the unspoken rules of America. This comes into play as I make stuff as I go with executive orders I skimmed over. This protects my buffoonery, and I gotta say, it’s a disgrace the way I’m allowed to use this. We’ve got some real idiots in charge, and I see no irony in saying that. But, look at me, I’m doing it for you, the people. So, believe me when I say, you know what I’m talking about. ¿Comprende? Hope not, that makes you a bad hombre. See amendment four for your punishment. Confused? Aren’t we all.”

The Tenth Amendment (Powers reserved to the states)

Trump translation: “Beautiful, carnage encrusted states like Michigan, Ohio and, you know, the other ones. The kinds of places Hillary didn’t go to. Those are great states. The power is reserved to them in the Electoral College, thankfully. But is it logical? You betcha. I love those states. I won those states, and the states I didn’t win had dead people voting. What I’m trying to say is, I forgot what we were talking about as I rambled about hoping you wouldn’t notice. Oh, the Bill Of Rights? Yes, and I’ve got some fantastic news about that little piece of paper: I threw that thing out weeks ago. It’s no good, believe me. Anyone who disagrees, consider yourself, ‘On notice.’

In conclusion, forget all that. If you want the real laws of these United States, follow me on Twitter, as I’ll be updating you further about the constitution while taking my morning constitutional.”

Written by Taylor Sade

Taylor Sade

Taylor Sade is a writer whose work you may have seen on Above Average, College Humor, Distractify, Splitsider, here (of course) and if you have no free time, many other places as well. Follow him on Twitter: @taylorsade

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