KALAMAZOO, Mich. – As Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump took the stage to declare victory against Democratic rival Hillary Clinton Tuesday night, four erections allegedly died following a “stand down” order issued by the Michigan Militia, according to newly released emails by WikiLeaks.
The hacked documents surfaced amid allegations that the nefarious, anti-government group planned an armed revolution upon receiving word Hillary Clinton won the race – a full on, fuck-all offensive with raging boners, as they slipped silently through the woods.
However, as it became dreadfully apparent Secretary Clinton would lose the overall electoral math to the ex-reality show host, Trump, the former Air Force, non-commission-led organization issued a “stand down” order, leaving to die four, rock-hard erections in the battleground state of Michigan.
Militiaman, Skosh Pogue, in one email, allegedly said he never felt blood drain from his penis so quickly.
“Earlie Two’s Day Night, I wuz leedin’ my squad of rip-roarin’ cocksingers from the woods in the name of freedom,” wrote Pogue.
“But I pernsally laid wit’nes to the blood flow decease in each team member’s shaft, as Secretary Clinton continually lost Florida, North Carolina, and Michigan. It was horrific. I really thought we were gonna see some more action.”
WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange continues to claim he only rapes women.