From the office of
Administrator, Environmental Protection Agency
1200 Pennsylvania Avenue, N.W.
Washington, DC 20460
February 8, 2017
RE: Cease and desist
Dear Ms. Nature,
It has come to our attention that you have been engaged in prolonged subterfuge pursuant to the mythology of “climate change.”
Your refusal to put forth a traditional winter for the period of 2016 – 2017 is in direct violation of the Climate Hoax Establishment Action Protocol (CHEAP), established January 20, 2017.
The use of 80 degree days in February undermines the mission of the EPA by acknowledging the potential for measurable global warming. As you are aware, climate change has been downgraded from urgent to hoax status, as per the CHEAP.
You are hereby directed to cease and desist all work to legitimize the following as threats to our nation:
The Dakota Pipeline
In addition, preservation of any nature, including, but not limited to, endangered species, bees, or your grandmother’s apple butter are considered a breach of contract.
Employees will not directly or indirectly engage activities deemed to be of sustained interest to previous administrations.
To restore the ability of the EPA to point to a single snowstorm in New England as proof of climate stability worldwide, you will be given 30 days to begin implementation of the following changes.
We hereby demand that you: institute no fewer than 20 below seasonal average days in the month surrounding the vernal equinox, currently scheduled for Monday, March 20, 2017. Produce at least two record-breaking winter weather events. Ensure five or more clips of Jim Cantore jumping around in the snow (see: thunder snow for reference).
If you refuse to comply, we will be forced to take direct action, including the employment of Monsanto to terminate Punxsutawney Phil.
No follow-up warnings will be issued. We look forward to forthcoming March Snowmageddonapolocypse, which we will accept as your statement of intent.
The Office of CHEAP Administration