originals
featured-image-template-NL-wine-housework

Wine Pairings With Household Chores

According to people who make science, housecleaning affords the precise level of pleasure as time spent in a North Korean prison. You are far too fabulous and important to suffer in this manner. The following is a guide to help you find the perfect wine companion for each chore. Here’s to making your housecleaning more palatable. Cheers!

 

Vacuuming

Take a look at your carpet. Are you questioning whether someone overturned a festival porta potty? Allow your eyeholes to gently register this fuzzy burial ground for legos, chinchilla hair, Cheetos and other radioactive snacks. It appears that someone has shaved the dog or your muskrat fur hat collection again.

Do not get discouraged. You are wonderful.

Gingerly wrestle the vacuum cleaner from its cave—the one that remains mysteriously invisible to the entire family except you. Using one hand only, furtively whisk it across the furry wasteland while in operational mode. Your other hand should be expertly clutching your vacuum wine pairing. Suck up anything that impedes your holy trail to tidiness including shoes, raccoons, 187 feet of phone charger cords, and deplorable wedding gifts. Most importantly, suck up your delicious and carefully selected wine pairing.

Note: If you own a Roomba, gently press its circular on button and park your fart box on the couch to enjoy your wine pairing. Now is an excellent time to binge watch Netflix or research eggplant recipes on Pinterest. Don’t forget to tweet about how exhausted you are. Well done! You are a domestic goddess.

Vacuum Wine Pairing: Monkey Bay Sauvignon Blanc 2014

Price/Bottle: $9.99


 

Dusting

Don hazmat suit. Realize you have misplaced your hazmat suit and settle for your husband’s long johns and a rubber unicorn head mask. Using a microfiber cloth or your shih tzu, unleash plumes of dust, baby formula and cocaine from their resting places. If you are feeling playful, you might gently attach the family parakeets to your long johns and rampage through the house while indulging in your best Julie Andrews alpine twirling. Great skill must be taken not to douse the floor with your bubbly wine pairing while engaging in this highly physical chore. Also, now is a great time to start saving up for a lung job.

Dusting Wine Pairing: LaMarca Prosecco

Price/Bottle: $13.99


Laundry:

It has become clear to you that there are hurdles along the sidewalk to sanitation. Your home has more dirty laundry than a Facebook timeline!

Do not despair. You are glorious.

Look on the bleached side: your childhood dream of running a zoo has actually come true! It appears that in recognizing you still have a pulse, your family has lovingly placed all their soiled garments approximately four inches away from the laundry basket. Scoop them up and cram them into the washing machine while whistling Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive and entering the witness protection program online. Take care not to spill your pairing, which you lovingly note is the same persistent burgundy shade as many of the stains that besiege you. This specific wine has been paired to cut the bitterness of hand scrubbing your husband’s boxers. Throw out one of each family member’s socks due to sizable holes and vitriol. There is a sock stealing monster and it’s you! Cheers!

Laundry Wine Pairing: Chateau Ste. Michelle Cabernet Sauvignon, Columbia Valley 2013

Price/Bottle: $13.99


Closets:

Open the closet door to the theme song from The Exorcist and a rehearsing rodent a cappella group. Moths whizz past you screaming, “Freedom!” in Scottish accents. Mountains of S.U.I (shopping under the influence) purchases and skinny jeans mock you. After the apocalypse, this is what landfills will look like. You think you smell a yak’s testicles. Slowly back out of the closet. This is not a safe scenario. People have been known to go missing or get sucked into British fantasy worlds in this manner and you are not prepared for a confrontation with an articulate, genetically modified lion. Take a deep breath, smile, enjoy two bottles of your wine pairing at its delightful price point and consider calling Mike Rowe.*

*This job has been added to your next guide “Tequila Pairings With Household Chores”

Peek-At-Closet Pairing: Charles Shaw Merlot, Trader Joe’s  

Price/Bottle: $2.99


Bathtub And Shower Scrubbing:

You’re not sure when your washroom became more unsanitary than the Ganges river, but this is not a time for self-flagellation. It appears that your husband has taken up abstract painting or can’t be bothered to turn the light on during his nightly pees. Take regular breaks to step away from the bleach fumes and gently swig your wine pairing. You may begin to feel a little light headed. Due to the acoustics and a blood alcohol level that could power a Honda Civic, this is an excellent time to break into the hypersonic chorus of an Adele song. Wow. You sound very, very good. Columbia Records will be calling any minute. We recommend you indulge liberally of this pairing since you have just put yourself at high risk for cholera, dysentery, cryptosporidium, and other water-borne illnesses.

Bathtub And Shower Scrubbing Pairing: Château Lafite Rothschild

Price/bottle: $1,999.99


 

Oven Cleaning:

Gingerly crack open your oven machine. How do things look? Remove the fossilized chicken boobs and reevaluate. One of the Papas—Murphy or John—is fused to the oven floor. You can do this. Armed with your new wine pairing, use a brillo pad, some pegasus-scented oven cleaner and go to town in stylish, one-handed fashion. Consider a Mr. Clean magic eraser for this task. What’s that? Is Mr. Clean getting snarky with you? Simmer down, you hypercritical bald-headed bastard! Down your pairing in one. Be extra vigilant and ensure the oven is turned off during this cleaning so as not to Plath yourself. This household drudgery features a sweeter offering that balances nicely with the flavor of inky carbon blobs.

Oven Cleaning Pairing: J. Lohr Bay Mist Riesling, California 2010  

Price/Bottle: $10

Repeat liberally for a sparkling home, a reputation for being indiscriminately amorous and a palate for gas station hot dogs. And remember: you are fabulous.

 

Written by Kira Jane Buxton

Kira Jane Buxton

Kira Jane Buxton is a Seattle based writer who was raised in the jungles of Asia and the deserts of the Middle East. Her writing is forthcoming or has appeared in The New York Times, McSweeney’s, The Rumpus, The Huffington Post, Reductress, Ravishly, The Good Men Project, The Manifest Station and more. She believes in kindness and the restorative powers of sloths in pajamas.

Comments

comments